Is it a vicious cycle or a vicious circle :-/ ? Anyway, not done too much since my last blog post. Played football with some friends the other night which was okay, was nice to get out of the house and do something really.
Its annoying because as I’ve mentioned before on this blog football is something that I really love doing, I love playing it and I love watching it. Without it I wouldn’t know what I’d do really. I’m happy playing football sometimes even by myself, as I would sometimes go to my local field and just amuse myself for an hour or so, just because I enjoy it and enjoy having a bit of a run around. Anyway as I was saying, I find it frustrating that I can get so anxious about doing something which I normally enjoy so much, perhaps to the point so that it isn’t really very enjoyable. For example the other night – I was a little nervous about playing but I wasn’t too bad, it was with some friends and some other people so I wasn’t too worried but I was still quite anxious. When I feel like that part of me wishes it would be over and done with, which is so stupid because football is something that I love so much. Then when I’m playing I usually withdraw a bit from the game and don’t really tend to get involved much, I think that is partly due to having such a low confidence at the moment. I get anxious about silly things like running, which isn’t something you should even care about when you’re playing football – you just do it naturally. So during the game I felt disappointed with myself as I didn’t feel I was playing well and I didn’t feel confident with myself, even though I know I’m not the worlds worst player and I shouldn’t be feeling like I do. I think my friends must notice I change in me over the past few years as I used to be a much better player.
Anyway the social anxiety disorder at times feels like a pretty vicious circle. With regards to my football, at times I get so nervous beforehand and begin to dread it, and wish it would be over and done with, then when I arrive I’m usually not so bad but am still very unconfident with my game and usually am very critical with myself after the match, analysing all my bad mistakes – stupid I know, considering its just a game and just for fun etc. And if I’ve played bad then I lose more confidence and begin to dread going to play, and so the cycle continues.
Maybe I’m just thinking too much, or maybe its just down to me/my social anxiety making me such a self-conscious and unconfident person. Whatever it is, I long to be the type of person who looks forward to playing football (like most normal people would), who can’t wait to be playing and who dread hearing the final whistle of the match. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it and I like the exercise and like it if we win, but when we do bad or I feel I played bad then I seem to be really negative. I think I should make it a target to stop analyzing myself and remember the positives from every part of my life :)
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