I Suck At Updating My Social Anxiety Blog!

Hey guys.. as always, I'm sorry that I suck so bad at keeping this blog updated. I really really will try harder from now on. Whenever I've thought about updating the blog I've always been put off as I couldn't really see what benefits it had. I think my problem was that as I run quite a few websites with the aim of making money, I had plans to do the same on this site too - it just seems to be a natural thing to do with a blog in my eyes. But I realise that it shouldn't be about money when it comes to social anxiety disorder. I should be using this blog solely as a place to vent my feelings and to try and help out other anxiety sufferers, so this is really what I need to start doing from now on.

So its been about 9 months since my last post here... its been quite a busy time and generally with me thats a very good thing. I've discovered that whenever I have too much time on my hands, or am by myself for long periods, basically whenever I'm bored and such, I seem to always feel down and depressed. I find by keeping active and keeping busy this is the best way to stop myself from feeling depressed, and even with regards to some of the social anxiety if I don't have time to stop and think about things then all the better - I just get ahead and do them without worrying. Its when I have the time to worry and listen to the thoughts in my head that I start to over-think things and then feel anxious.

In the time since my last post on the blog I've managed to complete my first year of college - which I managed around mid July, and I later found out that I passed my first year which I was really pleased about. I had to take a few exams and I've never been keen on revising but I actually enjoyed a lot of it this time around, and still passed without doing loads of revision - definitely a plus! The revision and exams were all tough but it actually felt like I'd learned more in those 2 or 3 weeks then I'd learned in the whole year of college... I don't know if thats a good or bad thing, I know I enjoyed it, but I think I need to apply myself a lot more next year if I want to get a good grade. Its just a 2 year course after all, so I'm going to try my best to knuckle down. I need to sort myself out an agenda so I can balance my work and my study, with an emphasis on the study.

When college finished I was left with a gap from mid June up until around the 20th of September - about a 3 month gap, which caused a bit of a dilema as I pretty much had nothing at all planned for summer, and really didn't fancy the prospect of just hanging around for that whole time - I was going to get so bored, and therefore so depressed and fed up! Luckily my housemate was in the same situation as me, and we're both really good mates with similar interests and so we decided to take massive risks (well, massive in terms for us), and do a bit of travelling. So we ended up spending nearly 2 months in places around the mediterranean and had an amazing time! It was definitely one of the best things I've ever done, and at one place we went to we did some volunteering at a camp and met so many amazing people from all over the world - one of the best things about being away. I was still shy and awkward at times but I still loved it all and have definitely got the travel bug so will be looking at doing this again, maybe after I've finished college! I think this may be worthy of a blog post in itself so I'll consider writing up a bit about my travels in more detail later on...

You Look Like You're Somewhere Else...

One of the things I've been managing to do quite regularly since starting university is to get exercise. I get quite a lot of walking done to and from college, and over some quite hilly roads, and also have started to work out a little bit from my new home, but also I play football with other college guys which is pretty fun, definitely a highlight of the week for me. It wasn't a serious game, just a match between 2 groups of people, but they've entered a team in a 6 a side league which I play in too, which is quite competitive but which I still really enjoy.

Some days when we play just a kick about I enjoy it more times then others - perhaps the teams may be a little unfair, or a bit unbalanced, or sometimes you may feel like you aren't really that involved in the match. I don't really feel that anxious when I play, but I don't talk whilst playing and rarely call for the ball, although I've been told many times that I should do. The only real time I feel a bit anxious is inbetween playing the game, making small talk with the other players etc.

Today I was playing football and during the match, when the ball had been kicked out of play and people were just waiting around, someone on my team asked if I was okay as I seemed to be elsewhere. This took me by surprise quite a bit, but the same guy had asked me if I was okay before, after a game, I think just out of politeness really. It didn't really affect me that much today, I just was a bit suprised. It made me wonder if I look like I'm distant or look like I'm elsewhere a lot of the time in general, or during football, but I'm pretty sure its something that must happen quite a lot. I guess a lot of the time I am elsewhere, as I'm thinking things to myself, and not really participating in much talking or doing anything much. It made me feel a bit anxious that I may look elsewhere all of the time now, and that someone that is a bit troubled would stand out that much to everyone. Social anxiety is something that you'd want to hide from view from other people, and to not make it public, yet if its that obvious that you've got things on your mind then maybe it isn't that easy to hide your problems.

I still think I suffer from the social anxiety when it comes to playing in important football matches. If I feel there is pressure on, that people are watching or its an important game, then sometimes I can get pretty breathless and this really affects me as obviously you don't want to be running out of breathe during a game of football. However, all in all I really enjoy playing and I'm loving all of the exercise that I've been getting since being at university. Many people have said that doing exercise is one of the best ways to beat depression, as it releases endorphines in the body, and its something that most people can do even when they feel pretty bad about themselves.

It would be really interesting to know if other people who suffer from anxiety of some sort have been told before that they look like they are elsewhere, as I'm sure it must be quite a common occurance. I think the guy that said it is just a pretty straight and honest guy, just checking up on me really. Even if I had admitted that there was something on my mind, its quite a tricky subject to approach, so I just said I was fine. I think during the game today I was just a bit frustrated with the teams and felt a bit lost on the pitch, so I may have looked more like I wasn't concentrating on my game much.

Another Update To The Blog - April Onwards...

In my previous post on the blog I mentioned what I had been upto for the past year, or since posting on the blog, and I went up to April of 2010. I mentioned getting in trouble and receiving a curfew, which took up quite a chunk of time and was quite a negative thing that happened to me, although to be honest it didn't really affect me that much - I had an excuse not to go out so much, but I was still able to get on with things during the day and to carry on as usual. It was a bit stressful if I was out and I would be worried about getting home in time, and it also became a bit of a nuisance because of some of the plans I had made - I decided that I wanted to go to university to study something.

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to get back into education... I'm 23 and most people went to university straight after sixth form, but back then I didn't feel like I wanted to down that route. It felt a lot like everyone was just going through the motions - they got told to go to school, to stay on at sixth form, and then to go off to university. I didn't really feel motivated to learn back then, hence getting a job then getting laid off then becoming self employed. I was self employed, and still am, making money from a network of websites that I created from scratch. But after about 2 years or doing this I started to get a bit bored, and I felt that I did want to learn things again, to meet new people and mainly to challenge myself. I was quite interested in conservation, and I've always liked most things related to the sea, so a marine conservation course was what had interested me.

So I started university in September and so far things are going well, but I do feel like its a bit of a struggle at times too. This is probably why I've come back to the blog to update it recently, as a way of venting my feelings in a way which (at least in my eyes) is more productive then just writing them down on paper for no-one else to see them. The content isn't too much of a struggle, well it is slightly as I've never done very well in Science related subjects at school and some of my modules can be quite involved, but mainly I feel a bit like I struggle with the social side of university. As I'm writing this my housemates are out drinking in town, and although I didn't go simply because of my anxiety, I feel a bit relieved at not having to go, which is annoying because I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel upset that I've not gone out, I really crave the enthusiasm that so many people on my course show when they talk about going out partying.

Anyway, think I've digressed again. Since the curfew ended in April, and up into university started in September, I don't think I was up to too much. I was carrying on working on my own websites, occasionally seeing friends, playing football, and so on. When I was on the curfew I tried giving some new things a go, I ended up going on an introductory sea kayaking course which I really enjoyed (kayaking is definitely something I want to get into) and this was quite awkward to do as my electronic tag wasn't allowed to get in contact with sea water as it can corrode it (was told I would be breaking the law if I did this) but I did it and it was fine as it didn't end up getting wet. I also went on an introduction to bee-keeping course which was interesting, but a bit boring and I felt a bit awkward as I was by far the youngest person there and didn't really feel comfortable going up to older strangers to make small talk. I don't really think I did too much else before starting university, I guess I was just quite busy preparing to move and so on.

The curfew was also annoying because when it came to the university open days, the curfew wouldn't allow me to go because as they were quite far away I wouldn't be able to travel there and back in time - so I ended up having to have about 2 other seperate court hearings (specifically just for me) to allow me to have special permission to break my curfew by attending these open days. Again, I really think this was pretty pointless and a waste of the courts time/my time. Sometimes I had to wait hours to get into court (if it was on a Monday apparently there are lots of arrests during the weekend which get pushed in ahead of me) and I would only in court for a minute or 2. I also had to travel to the court to get a form to fill in in order for them to review my request to break the curfew, which meant having to travel there etc. This may sound a bit moany, especially considering I did break the law, but just feel the whole system is a bit rubbish. Other people on curfew may have been put off even applying for university and attending these open days when they are aware of the amount of extra effort they had to put in to allow them to break the curfew.

Anyways, apologies again if I have sidetracked a fair bit in this post. Just trying to cram in as much info for the past few months as possible, hope it wasn't too boring! As I've updated the gaps for the past few months I'll now be able to add more social anxiety relevent posts, which will be shorter and more to the point (hopefully!). Thanks for reading :)