Its My Life And I’ll Waste It If I Want To?

The thing with social anxiety disorder and I’m sure that most suffers are aware of this too, is that I fully realise that I’m wasting my life and I’m really not making the most of it when I know I should be. It makes me feel really guilty as well when I know of other people who have had their life cut short for some reason which is completely out of their hands, perhaps a tragic accident or an illness or something like that. It makes me feel guilty for not making the most of my time alive, and in a sad way makes me wonder why it happens to the people that it does happen. I mean, not being too negative or don’t mean to sound suicidal at all, but if an outgoing and loving young man was to die suddenly it just makes me feel a bit ashamed when I’m the complete opposite and I’m still here :(

When things like that happen I thought they are meant to spur you on, meant to scare you into living your life more and changing your ways… but I’ve never really been motivated to get out and do something from an outside event – I guess what I mean is, I know that for me to make changes it has to come from inside myself, a desire to break out from my shyness and start living my life again.

Recently I’ve been looking into travelling again and I’m certain its something I will be doing its just a matter of when. I’m fed up of just saying I’ll go travelling to try and make my social anxiety disappear, force myself out of my comfort zone and try and make myself realise that I can cope doing something really social and away from my current lifestyle.

I’m still looking for someone to come with me but I don’t think this is just the social anxiety coming through, I think I would generally be a bit scared going travelling completely on my own. At least I won’t be going with someone I know anyway (I’m hoping to find a travel companion on the Internet) and then it will be easier for me.

I’ve not been up to much recently which is annoying, didn’t really go out much over the weekend, just to walk the dog as usual. I watched the football on TV and that was about it, would have liked to have done more outside things but never really had the chance. I would have played football tonight but I think our team wasn’t scheduled to play for some reason, so have to wait another week. I was kind of relieved as usual because I get so anxious before playing (although I usually do enjoy it mildly when playing and enjoy it when I get home because the ordeal is over!).

Spent a little bit of time doing some gardening today as it was very sunny out, and did a little bit of work outside on the laptop, love the sunny weather makes me feel so much happier and reminds me of summertime. Makes me forget my social anxiety disorder and just want to go to the beach or something :)