Thursday 26 February 2009

Social Anxiety Disorder – A Vicious Cycle

Is it a vicious cycle or a vicious circle :-/ ? Anyway, not done too much since my last blog post. Played football with some friends the other night which was okay, was nice to get out of the house and do something really.

Its annoying because as I’ve mentioned before on this blog football is something that I really love doing, I love playing it and I love watching it. Without it I wouldn’t know what I’d do really. I’m happy playing football sometimes even by myself, as I would sometimes go to my local field and just amuse myself for an hour or so, just because I enjoy it and enjoy having a bit of a run around. Anyway as I was saying, I find it frustrating that I can get so anxious about doing something which I normally enjoy so much, perhaps to the point so that it isn’t really very enjoyable. For example the other night – I was a little nervous about playing but I wasn’t too bad, it was with some friends and some other people so I wasn’t too worried but I was still quite anxious. When I feel like that part of me wishes it would be over and done with, which is so stupid because football is something that I love so much. Then when I’m playing I usually withdraw a bit from the game and don’t really tend to get involved much, I think that is partly due to having such a low confidence at the moment. I get anxious about silly things like running, which isn’t something you should even care about when you’re playing football – you just do it naturally. So during the game I felt disappointed with myself as I didn’t feel I was playing well and I didn’t feel confident with myself, even though I know I’m not the worlds worst player and I shouldn’t be feeling like I do. I think my friends must notice I change in me over the past few years as I used to be a much better player.

Anyway the social anxiety disorder at times feels like a pretty vicious circle. With regards to my football, at times I get so nervous beforehand and begin to dread it, and wish it would be over and done with, then when I arrive I’m usually not so bad but am still very unconfident with my game and usually am very critical with myself after the match, analysing all my bad mistakes – stupid I know, considering its just a game and just for fun etc. And if I’ve played bad then I lose more confidence and begin to dread going to play, and so the cycle continues.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much, or maybe its just down to me/my social anxiety making me such a self-conscious and unconfident person. Whatever it is, I long to be the type of person who looks forward to playing football (like most normal people would), who can’t wait to be playing and who dread hearing the final whistle of the match. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it and I like the exercise and like it if we win, but when we do bad or I feel I played bad then I seem to be really negative. I think I should make it a target to stop analyzing myself and remember the positives from every part of my life :)

Monday 23 February 2009

Writers Block And Social Anxiety

Not really sure what to write about today so will just have a bit of a ramble about what I got up to over the past few days, and just generally how I feel.

At the moment I feel pretty tired and a bit down, played football earlier at the 5aside league I play in (nothing serious) and lost about 5-2, was pretty demoralizing. I think that having SA I’m really critical with regards to my own performance when I play football, I think its probably fair to say over-critical. Whereas most normal people would tend to remember the good things that they contributed with during a match, I tend to just remember all the bad things. I guess that sums of Social Anxiety Disorder really – a bit of a vicious cycle at times. Anyway I think I’m over it hopefully and will try to forget about it, is just a game after all :)

At the weekend I was pretty busy which made a nice change, even if I was just with my family (not knocking being with my family at all, its just that sometimes its nice to get the feeling that you are independent and go out and do your own things). I spent Saturday digging at the allotment (about 4 hours) and was pretty achey after that – not used to manual labour! And then spent about 2 hours at the allotment digging the next day, also walked the dog a few times and went to have a look at some land with my parents that I was kinda interested in investing in, until I discovered it was pretty much just a boggy field full of ducks :-/

Today I felt like I had writers block to be honest, don’t want to sound too posh or make it out that I am some kind of writer, I just felt like I was at a bit of a dead-end at couldn’t think what to do with myself. I spent a bit of time adding to some of my websites and blogs, chatting on MSN (as usual), and that was about it. I’ve always got loads of ideas regarding work, just not often have the energy to go through with them. Really need to get myself earning money again though, feel like I’m just hanging around at home right now and not actually making money like I used to.

Anyway apologies that this wasn’t very SA related again today, just not much else to report on that front at the moment. Still thinking of going to the doctors, still thinking of biting the bullet and trying to go travelling, still not sure what I’ll decide. Feel like I’m just waiting for something to happen, but I’ve been waiting ages and nothings happened yet so I think I know its up to me to make it happen really…

Thursday 19 February 2009

Exercise Is A Good, Free Way To Make Yourself Feel Better

Not much to report really for the past few days, was quite nice because I played football with my friends (played Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so far this week) and today I did some more exercise too. Think I’ve probably mentioned this before on the forum, but exercise is a good way of making yourself feel happy – when you exercise your body releases chemicals which make yourself feel “better” (sorry, that’s about as technical as my explanations go at the moment :p). But anyway, if you’re feeling depressed or bored then I find exercise is an excellent and free way of perking yourself up a little. Perhaps by going for a jog around your local area (perhaps a quiet forest or something – I hate jogging around the roads, don’t like to be watched whilst jogging!).

I’ve enjoyed playing football with my friends recently but I do still find that I’m not overly happy and feel at times as if my SAD holds me back. I realise that if you want to be a good footballer you need to get involved and talk more and shout for the ball etc, which I usually find quite hard. Not sure if its me being shy or my Social Anxiety or something, just don’t really feel that comfortable doing it around my friends. I think if I’m playing in a match and I’m playing people I don’t know, and my team are talking to each other then I’ll find it easier to call for the ball etc. But if I’m playing with friends then I find it hard because it feels like they all know me as being shy/quiet, and so if I suddenly started being more vocal they might be a bit shocked. I guess I’m worried I’ll stand out, which is something you don’t like when you have Social Anxiety Disorder…

Also been quite busy with my work and setting up new websites and such, not got a lot planned for Friday or the weekend unfortunately. Trying to find a way of getting new friends as well, my other friends like to go clubbing and drinking and that’s not really something I enjoy (clubbing at least :p), and I don’t like having to get drunk to enjoy myself. Rather find something else to do, but I find it hard meeting new people. Anyway that’s a topic for another day so will update this during the weekend probably.

Monday 16 February 2009

Do People With Social Anxiety Secretly Fancy Themselves?!

Sorry for the lack of posts recently (as if you really care :p) but have had a bit of a busy weekend for once. Most of my time was spent with family, recently my parents have got hold of an allotment in the town in which we live, and I spent a lot of Saturday and some of Sunday helping clear the land a bit. I really love being outdoors and I guess more in touch with nature (sounds a bit daft I know). I find it quite therapeutic and it feels to be very constructive too (much better then being sat on the computer not doing a lot, or sat watching TV, which has recently become one of my favourite pastimes).

I’ve heard before that being outdoors is good for the soul, I don’t think its very healthy both physically and mentally to be stuck indoors all the time, which I find occasionally happens with me. On a more interesting note, I’ve also heard that being outdoors/working outdoors can be good for people who suffer with mental health problems (such as depression, etc). I think if you suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder then being outdoors is a great medicine for you, it helps you to feel more alive and more free. Especially if you are doing something like gardening, where you could be growing fruits and vegetables, watching something grow, and then eating it, which is a very rewarding experience. I’ve heard someone that has been cured of their Social Anxiety Disorder that said that getting a dog was the thing that solved their illness – the dog was something that they had to look after and care for, and had to be taken out for walks etc.

Now anyway, back to the rather controversial blog post title – do people with Social Anxiety Disorder secretly fancy themselves? Now, I realise that this may sound quite strange, but sometimes I wonder if secretly I/other sufferers of Social Anxiety perhaps subliminally love their looks or their person. Which could be a good thing I guess. But anyway the reason I said this is the fact that people with SAD seem to get so self conscious. I mean, walking into a busy store is quite a big deal for some people, who feel that everyone will be looking at them or watching them, that they will do something which is stupid and which will draw even more attention to themselves, they’ll get really embarrassed etc and will want to get out of that store pretty quick.  What I want to know is, what makes me so special that anyone (let alone everyone) is going to simply look at me, or stare at me, just by walking into a store? Why is it that people with Social Anxiety feel that everyone will be watching them which makes them feel uneasy? I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I secretly fancy myself, which is why I think everyone will look at me when I’m in a busy place! Lol well don’t worry, I don’t fancy myself, to be honest when it comes to my appearance I’m not too bothered, I mean there’s not a lot that you can do about how you look so I tend not to worry. I worry more about how I convey myself or carry myself, how I act, what I say, etc etc.

Today was another pretty good day anyways, had my haircut which is sometimes a bit of an ordeal but its nice to get out the house and get it done. I like to get it done when I need it and not delay it, otherwise I get worked up and don’t look forward to going. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable sitting in the chair and not really making much conversation with the hairdresser, other times I just think I’m here to get my haircut and I’m paying my money so I should just relax and not worry about it. After that I checked my post at my local sorting office, did some work at home, and then played football in the evening. One thing which kind of annoyed me was a person I spoke to on MSN briefly. Basically they said I looked rough, which isn’t exactly a very nice thing to say to someone who you had just met. Anyway you always get people like that in life, just got to get over it and not let those kind of people bring you down (thanks Claire ;) ). I’ll make another post soon hopefully, will end this one for now as I find I could go on forever otherwise!

Tuesday 10 February 2009

Coping With Social Anxiety Disorder

Today was a very good day for me, I think mainly because I kept myself busy pretty much all day and haven’t really had much time to think or anything. Usually when I’m bored I become restless and slightly depressed, I think this is to do with the Social Anxiety Disorder making me feel a bit suffocated. Also I think I think too much – I think about things in my head such as a previous social event or experience, and I will always focus on the negatives. I never really seem to remember positives, so this is something that I’m going to try and concentrate on more – remembering the good things in life and forgetting the bad!

Anyway back to my day – it was one of the first days in ages that I didn’t actually use the computer (until late in the evening), which is something I was quite proud of 8-) (I think I spend way too much time on the Internet sometimes).

My time was spent doing various mushroom related activities – and nope, not magical ones before you ask ;) I’ve recently become interested in growing mushrooms to eat – quite a strange hobby I know, but I find it very enjoyable and interesting. I think its good to have a hobby, especially if you suffer from a health condition like Social Anxiety Disorder. It helps to give you something to do, to occupy your mind with, to learn about, etc etc.

I actually feel pretty exhausted as well from being on my feet doing work for the majority of the day, something which I’m not really used to! With my work I’m mainly just sat at the computer for the day so its nice to be going to bed feeling tired out – I find it much easier to sleep when I feel this way. I’m quite certain that this is both a mental and physical response – you’ve had a long day and you’ve done lots of work so you feel happy in yourself and so you find it easier to sleep. And of course you are physically tired out and so you will find it far more relaxing being in bed.

Tomorrow I’m playing football in the evening but will have a little more work to do, both with my hobby and with my actual proper work! I’ve also tried to promise to myself that I will actually get down and start filing out the Social Anxiety Workbook that I recently purchased from Amazon (link is on the right hand side somewhere).

Oh and I’ve also added some polls and things on the site, so feel free to vote! At the moment I’ve kept it pretty simple and am asking if you think you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. I’m guessing that the majority of the people that visit my blog will have it though, anyway will report back my findings in a few weeks time.

Monday 9 February 2009

Avoiding Depression By Using A Daily Routine

Sometimes I find that if I don’t really have any kind of routine I end up falling into bad habits and feeling pretty down in myself. For example I might end up going to bed at a funny time like 3am and then sleeping in until 11 or 12 and then feeling as if I’ve wasted the majority of the day. To try and combat this I try to set myself a bit of a regime or routine to follow, just so that I feel like I’m being constructive despite the Social Anxiety Disorder.

I think I’ve read somewhere before that all humans crave a routine, and without some kind of pattern to follow they end up going a bit crazy. Can’t remember where I heard this but I think it was said by some kind of a psychologist, and it did seem to make sense to me. People need to have a job otherwise they will just get bored and end up doing nothing, and sometimes I think that this feeling can affect people with Social Anxiety Disorder too – you really want to get out and do something, like get a job, but find it hard because you are put off by the whole interview process, or by the thought of failing at your job.

Although my routine is pretty boring and standard I think its still healthy for me to have one. I remember at one point I had a wacky idea that I could actually work during the night and sleep during the day… don’t ask me why lol, I just seemed to think that as I was self employed working from home I could just be different and sleep in the day time. Needless to say I realised this was a dumb idea, and I stuck to the normal 9-5 although its a little varied. Usually I work until about 6 o/clock but I work on bits and pieces during the evening too, just because I usually don’t have anything else to do at the moment. Also I walk the dog during the day, which I find is a nice break from being stuck inside working. I’ve heard that many people have actually overcome their Social Anxiety Disorder simply by getting a dog – you have to care for a dog and so you will need to walk it at least once per day. This gives you a chance to get out of the house and will probably mean that you meet other dog walkers (just as a result of walking your dog). Also you will have to buy food and other things to care for your dog. Your dog will hopefully reward you with love and affection and entertainment too, and I think all of these things help you to become more confident, socially and in other ways too. I believe that if you live on your own or need a reason to get out more then a dog would be perfect, as long as you make sure you do look after it.

Apart from that my daily routine is pretty simple, breakfast, work, lunch, work, walk the dog, work, dinner, bit more of work and then bed! Boring I know. One of the nice things about being at home is that I can break up my day by doing other things (usually loads of stuff around the house that I can entertain myself with) and that I can work anytime I like really.

Sorry if this blog post wasn’t exactly very Social Anxiety Disorder related, but I do genuinely find that by having a daily routine you can help your days living with Social Anxiety become just a little bit more bearable.

Saturday 7 February 2009

Finding A Cure For Social Anxiety Disorder

I think this is a subject that anyone with Social Anxiety Disorder fantasizes about at least once per day, I know I do. It’s imagining the feeling of being completely un-self-conscious, the feeling of being confident enough to do everyday things without having massive worries about everything constantly, the feeling of generally being free and not being limited at all by this illness.

I’ve started looking at books on the Internet which claim to have the answers to curing Social Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve read many different articles on the condition on various websites. I think that there are a few ways of curing SAD, the main and most popular methods being CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and the second being the good old “just get on with it and live your life” type approach.

Now I’m by no means any kind of expert on Social Anxiety Disorder, as you would have no-doubt already guessed, or on the practices of CBT, but I think this method will involve seeing a specialist (Councillor or Psychiatrist) which would probably be provided by the NHS unless you have private medical healthcare. I think that CBT involves going back and trying to remove many of your negative thought processes which could have brought on the SAD, instead changing them with more positive and rational thoughts. For example, I have SAD and I sometimes find it hard making a phone call. I think as part of CBT I would be told something along the lines of, what’s the worst that could happen? I’m not going to die or anything, so what’s the problem? Anyway I think that’s kind of how CBT would go – training your mind and making you change the way you generally think about things, stopping the negative thoughts from even occurring.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy does seem to be the best option when it comes to trying to cure Social Anxiety Disorder, but I feel that at this moment in time I’m not quite ready to give it a go. One of the things with SAD is that it restricts you from even asking for help – something as simple as going to the Doctors is a painful process (having to phone them up to book an appointment, getting there, booking in at reception, waiting to go in, seeing the doctor, etc). I think that this process would put many SAD people off of going to the doctors for help, although I do believe that you can sometimes call the doctor out to your home if you feel that you aren’t able to get to them yourself. Although I think if I pushed myself I could go to the doctors to talk about my SAD, I’d be a bit worried if I was told I had to go to another hospital/doctors to get the CBT done. I wouldn’t like the idea of having to go somewhere new, as that seems quite daunting to me.

The other option for curing Social Anxiety Disorder which I mentioned earlier is the method which I think a lot of people eventually go out and take – the “f*** it you only live once” approach where you just put everything on the line and hope that you can cope with general life. If I’m honest I can see this being the approach that I’ll end up taking one day. I’ll just be fed up of living the way that I am, and will force myself to go out and do something crazy/awkward. Then hopefully I’ll survive and what to do it again, or do something even crazier, and hopefully eventually I will be happy doing most things, without feeling the horrible Social Anxiety :) That's the plan anyway! The crazy thing that I can see myself doing is going away travelling for a few months or more, and I’m really hoping that one day I’ll just get up and do it, leave my comfort zone and try living my life. But until then I’ll keep posting! ;)

Thursday 5 February 2009

Being Productive Whilst Having Social Anxiety Disorder

Sometimes I find my day can be wasted due to feeling un-motivated, feeling too socially anxious, or just I guess generally being lazy. Today I found that I got a lot of work done and decided to try my best to spend as little time as possible on the Internet unless it is work related – pretty much meaning that I need to be signed out of MSN for as long as possible!

I’ve found programs like MSN to be really addictive but such a time waster, unless I am talking to people who are work-related. I can easily spend hours talking to random people, about anything and everything, and I found that this was really distracting me from my work. Its something that allows me to socialise with people who I’d never have been confident enough to talk to if I was with them in person, I think due to the whole Social Anxiety Disorder. I find that on MSN I am very different to how I am in real life – much more open and honest I think. Its nice because MSN allows me to speak to some interesting people and I’ve met a few other people who have Social Anxiety Disorder and its really nice being able to speak and relate about the illness with them :) So basically I’m trying to limit my time spent on MSN and other distracting websites!

Have quite a few exciting and interesting new website projects to be getting on with now too, so am looking forward to making some progress with it all in the next few days/weeks. Hoping to start making some money again!

Apart from work I’ve not done too much else, had an interesting game of football yesterday with some friends – started snowing extremely heavily and I was soaked through, having only worn shorts and t-shirt. I can’t ever remember feeling as cold as I did, and then watching my friend drive home with about an inch of snow on the ground (having fallen in about 30mins), and driving through a massive kind of snow-storm. Was exciting but cold! Was nice playing with friends but I kind of feel a bit outcast because I don’t really see them often anymore, I think they gave up on inviting me out.

Tuesday 3 February 2009

A Snowy Kind Of Social Anxiety

Today was a very good day for me which made quite a change, I went out and played in the snow with someone and had a great time! It was quite scary driving around in the conditions (roads were covered in ice, cars were literally skidding around corners) and there seemed to be plenty of mini accidents going on all over the place. We even had to help push someone’s car out of the snow, which was very amusing. A car went past and stopped and asked if we needed another hand, and then his car just skidded off the road and almost got stuck too! Its funny how the weather can bring much of the UK to a standstill, just shows how we are not used to getting any kind of snow.

I find its quite nice how the snow seems to bring people together at times, simple things like helping push someone out of some snow, generally talking to each other more about the snow, offering to help people who can’t get around to certain places, going out together to play in the snow, etc.

One of my worries recently when it started to snow was that I wouldn’t actually get to go and play in it. I know I sound like a bit of a baby or kid lol, but with the Social Anxiety its harder to just go out and play on your own or anything. I don’t really feel like I have any good friends at the moment, and so I wouldn’t have wanted to go out with any of them really. They actually rang me yesterday for the first time in ages and asked if I wanted to come out in the snow, and then they were like oh do you have a sledge we can use? Its as if they think I’m dumb or that I won’t mind them knowing that the only reason they’ve bothered ringing me is that they want a sledge to use :( So that annoyed me and I didn’t go out with them because of that, feels like they only ever bother with me when they want something from me or when they need extra numbers because there’s no-one else around or something.

So in an ideal world I would just not bother seeing them again but its hard because I don’t really have any other friends (they are all friends with each other and so if I stop seeing one of them I stop seeing the whole group). A normal person might try and seek out new friends but I find this extra hard due to the Social Anxiety Disorder. I think its quite hard for young men to find themselves friends really, I mean if you were to try being friendly/chatty to a guy they will probably think you’re weird/gay/desperate/mental. I guess I would fall in the mental bracket, lol :(
Anyway I had fun playing in the snow and had a good day in general! So lets hope the snow stays for as long as possible :D

Monday 2 February 2009

Shortness Of Breath

One of the things that I recently learned about Social Anxiety Disorder is that it can cause shortness of breath, something which was quite interesting to me personally. I think that a mental disorder which can cause someone’s heart to beat faster or their body to sweat more or for their breathing to be affected it has to be a pretty bad disorder. Its strange how something so much in the mind can affect you so much physically.

The shortness of breath symptom wasn’t really something that I had become that aware of with regards to Social Anxiety Disorder, but then I thought back and had my memory jogged. I remember a while aback when I was going for a walk with family and relatives. Some of these relatives are people who I seem to bring on my social anxiety even more, which may sound a bit nasty but its not at all intentional. They are still kind and caring people but I think its that they are quite successful people and are very smart and social people, and I think that seems to make me more anxious. Anyway the walk wasn’t exactly strenuous or tiring – not the sort of walk that would leave you short of breath by any stretch of the imagination. I was walking with a relative and they were asking how I was doing, how work was going etc and I could just feel myself becoming short of breath, and so seemed to be talking in quite short sentences and could feel myself going red because of feeling embarrassed too.  I’m not sure if they noticed it much, or whether they thought I was being a bit unsociable or abrupt or anything, but it was quite annoying and strange :(

Another time that I experience shortness of breath is when playing football in a “big” environment. When I say big I don’t mean Wembley stadium, or even anything like a stadium. I just mean with people watching, or playing with strangers or something. I first experienced it when playing for the first time for the school football team, and got it ever since then really. When it happened I just thought I was really unfit – but that's a bit stupid because it was like the first few seconds of the football match. It’s such a frustrating thing for me to get because football is probably my biggest love, without sounding daft or OTT. I love playing football, whether on my own or with friends, and just love the freedom and knowing that you’re keeping fit too. It really annoys me that the Social Anxiety Disorder can even affect me in this way too, when doing one of the things that I really love, just because I’m being watched or am around people that I don’t know.

Apart from that it’s been snowing here which is really cool, hardly ever snows here! Enjoyed walking the dog in the snow, hopefully it’ll last a long time :) And also been working, so no change there. Still dreaming of working whilst travelling, or taking a break to go travelling for a few months to try and sort myself out.

Sunday 1 February 2009

Ever Get The Feeling That You Are Wasting Your Life?

I don’t mean to sound depressed or too negative in my post today, but sometimes I do really feel that I’m wasting my life :(
Its frustrating too because I’m aware that I am wasting it… and yet I’ve not got the guts or motivation to get out and change it and do something about it. Social anxiety disorder holds me back from having a proper life at times, and feel like it holds me back from getting help. I’m thinking that I should just stop being a chicken about the whole thing, bite the bullet and try and get some help about it.

In some ways I feel happy with the work side of my life though. I enjoy what I do and I feel it suits me quite well in my current situation. However I would love to have my own office or work from home (from my own home, not my parents I mean). I’ve heard of people who do the work I do whilst travelling around the world – I think that would be amazing! I think that has to be one of my targets, one of my goals. Get over social anxiety and travel around the world. Working on the side when I can, or just enjoying myself a bit :)

I’ve thought about moving out of my house and renting somewhere but I’m not sure how clever that would be, financially and personally. I mean, I would probably be even more isolated living on my own, although I would be more independent – I would have to be otherwise I wouldn’t survive, lol. I would enjoy that side of things, which currently my parents take care of for me (shopping, cooking etc). But if I’m still going to work from the rented place then I will just be doing the same old thing, except with no family with me (and having to pay huge figures to rent). Also I hate the idea of renting a property, it just feels like a way of burning your money. I’d much rather get a mortgage and get my own place, but that would be a big commitment.
I’ve also thought about renting an office to work from. I think it would make my job seem more normal and more 9 – 5, and more social. But then if its just going to be me in an office on my own again, I’m not sure how worthwhile it will be. I know it will make me so much more productive (I waste too much time on MSN and on the internet in general) and so I’d probably be doing a lot of work if I did. But I don’t know if this is just a bit of a waste of money. Perhaps if I had a better balance of a work and social life at home then I wouldn’t have any issues.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant post, and not very social anxiety disorder related. I guess I’m finding it a bit hard regarding which direction I want to go in. Ideally I would go travelling and work on the move, but I’m not too sure if I have the guts to do this by myself, especially because of the SA. But I know something has got to change, because I realise I’m not making the most of my life at the moment…