Blog update

Right, this is the second attempt at updating the blog. I tried a few days ago but my post disappeared, was quite lengthy so I was pretty annoyed! As you may have noticed, I've not posted here since about October 2009 - over a year ago. A fair bit has gone on since then, I do still have my social anxiety but I'm pretty much trying to get on with things and to not dwell on it. I'm going to try and spend some time in the near future reading more social anxiety help books and general depression support books, just because I do still suffer from the anxiety, but I also find that keeping myself busy is probably one of the best ways to cope, and I've been pretty busy recently.

I'm not completely sure why I've not updated the blog in so long, I can hazard a guess that it was because I'm pretty lazy at times... I don't think many/any people read the blog so I wasn't really convinced theres much point making these posts, but I'm hoping if I try and post more regularly that might change. Looking at the date of the last post which was October 09, that was quite a stressful period. I'm a bit worried about going into detail here because of incase someone finds out who I am by reading this, I mean if a friend happens to stumble upon this site. But I think I may be being quite paranoid as that situation is likely to actually happen. So anyway, the event which caused me quite a bit of stress and worry was when I got in a bit of trouble with the police. I was on a night out with friends, I drank way too much, and ended up in a fight and getting arrested. I had to go to court, where I pleaded guilty to the assault, and then was given a curfew as my punishment (and small fine).

Its not really the first time I've acted stupidly, and anytime that I have done anything like this it has been when I am drunk. I never ever start trouble or go looking for trouble but if someone does something to me when I'm drunk then its very unlikely that I'll just let them get away with it, I guess its because I know I let people get away with all sorts when I'm sober as I lack the confidence to stand up for myself... and when I'm drunk I have that confidence and I want to use it. But anyway thats my own "analysis" of myself, and so I've tried to avoid getting drunk ever since. I'll only ever drink again when I feel that I am not going to act silly, when I feel less anxious etc.

Usually when I go out clubbing with friends I feel that I have to drink a lot to get over my anxiety, I would never ever dance or anything like that if I was sober, so I tend to avoid going clubbing at this moment in my life. It gets quite awkard trying to avoid it though, as I'll probably explain in a blog post later... When I was out at the night that I got in trouble I drank a stupid amount, I don't know if this is anything to do with the social anxiety but when I'm drunk I don't know my limits and just keep on drinking - most people feel drunk and stop, because they don't need to drink more.

When I was told I would have to go to court because of the assault you can imagine I was pretty worried and very anxious. I was scared at the thought of what might happen to me as my punishment, and scared at the thought of going to court. I didn't cope or deal with it well at the time, and failed to speak to my family about it, who are always really supportive. I ended up telling my mum about it on the day of the court date, and then she ended up turning up at the court for my hearing.

In the interview after being arrested I mentioned my social anxiety as I thought if it could help me at all then I'd be silly not to mention it. I explained that I feel I have to drink quite a bit to stop feeling my anxiety, and I'm not sure whether or not it helped but I was desperate and was scared at the time, thinking I could end up going to prison. In court they mentioned my social anxiety, which is the first my mum had ever heard of it, so this wasn't the ideal circumstances for her to find out! But in a way I was glad she knew, but the reason I didn't tell her about me getting into trouble, or my anxiety, is because I think she's a bit of a worrier like me, and I didn't see why anyone else should have to suffer my own issues. That might sound a bit strange but its just the way I feel really, that its my problem and that I should have to deal with it - I was stupid enough to get in trouble in the first place, so I should have to suffer the consequences. I also realise the saying its good to talk, and that its not healthy to keep things inside or to yourself, so maybe this is something that I need to work on as well.

Anyway, I was given the curfew for what happened, which I thought was pretty ridiculous seeming as I'm not exactly a repeat offender and that I'm not exactly a menace to society. Also the fact that my social anxiety was brought up in court, you'd have thought they wouldn't have given me an excuse to stay indoors! But thats the criminal law system for you, I was glad to get what I got as I realise it could have been worse. I used the time to try and get more work done, and carried on with my CBT stuff. The court or police didn't offer any sort of advice regarding the anxiety, I thought it would have been nice if they did, or whether they said anything about consuming too much alcohol, or suggested some sort of counselling to stop me from acting the way I did. Not saying any of that would have helped, its just that so many people behave in this way, and by giving them a curfew I don't think that will exactly deal with the problem in the long run.

I think this post has probably digressed somewhat from what I had in mind, but its updated a fair chunk of the past year or so. From December until April 2010 I had my curfew, so I'll try and update the other parts of the year in some future posts on the blog. Appreciate any reads/comments from anyone, thanks!

Another Update In My Rather Uninteresting Social Anxiety Blog!

Not done much again recently just the usual! Drove to a local cinema place which was nice, usually I’m a bit scared as its about 15 mins by car and I went a route I’ve never really been before so it felt nice, usually I get really anxious about driving somewhere I’ve never been before so it felt as if I was conquering my social anxiety disorder somewhat :) I met up with a friend and had a bit of a chat which was nice, was a different way to spend the evening at least (usually sat in front of the TV or the computer!).

Yesterday I had football and because one of my friends wasn’t playing I couldn’t really rely on a lift, so I drove instead. I could’ve tried to get a lift from another friend or something, but I thought I should give it a go and it was fine, no embarrassing moments… well, there was one lol but thankfully the car park was pretty empty – I pulled up in a space in the middle of the car park, forgetting it was kind of on a slight hill, and thought I had done everything (lights off, wipers off, etc) and was having a drink from my water bottle and something caught my eye which startled me very slightly… the car was rolling down hill lol. Thankfully there were no cars around to crash into, and I’m pretty sure no-one saw so I was quite lucky lol. Its sometimes funny though, as in my mind thats one of the things I can imagine happening to me when I go somewhere (and hundreds of people witnessing it, and me going a very bright red colour and wishing I could crawl under a rock and die) yet when it did happen I can just laugh it off :) Sometimes I think people with Social Anxiety Disorder think about things way too much and worry when actually when stuff like that does happen it can be pretty funny, and a nice little story to tell people :) (granted, mine wasn’t that funny or interesting but still).

At football we lost pretty bad but we were playing a team from the league above and we were a man short. I got fouled and now my leg and hip is really painful which is quite annoying. Today I’ve just been doing some work on the computer and not a lot else. Still desperate to go away travelling but seeming to find it hard to find someone as interested as me. I’m thinking that maybe I should try and find someone who has social anxiety disorder who might be interested in doing it with me – maybe they will be more likely to do it, and might agree that its a way out of their shyness.

Me and my social anxiety blog

Thanks for taking a look at my blog, hopefully you will find it interesting or helpful, maybe at times entertaining although I doubt it :-p

I’ll try and explain a bit about me and my social anxiety disorder, and the reason that I’ve set up this blog.

I was watching a TV program on BBC1 called Horizon – How Mad Are You? It was basically a kind of “big-brother” but with some people who have a mental illness and some “normal” people. The people in the TV show would have to perform tasks, and there would be 3 experienced psychologists who would watch the footage and try and decide which ones showed signs of mental illness and which ones seemed to not show any signs of being mentally ill.

Anyway in one of these tasks the people had to one-at-a-time stand up in front of a small group of strangers in a pub and perform stand-up comedy for about 10 minutes. It was said that this task was to establish if any of the people showed signs of social anxiety disorder. The people that had SAD might show signs of extreme nervousness and might really dread the performance. I kind of knew that it was very likely that this was something I had, after they went into a bit more detail about social anxiety disorder (disliking talking in front of people, feeling very self-conscious, etc).

I went on to a few websites to do a little research and found some interesting and useful sites, one of which is a forum which many people who suffer from SAD currently use. It’s really nice to be able to talk to people who suffer from the same thing, and its quite re-assuring to hear stories of other people who have social anxiety disorder. It makes me feel less silly, if that makes sense. The forum can be located here: Social Anxiety Discussion

I decided that it might be good for me to create a blog about my dealings with social anxiety disorder, and just generally about my life. Not because I think of myself as an interesting or glamour-seeking person, but I just feel that it might help to keep a kind of diary and it might be helpful to fellow SAD sufferers :)