I Suck At Updating My Social Anxiety Blog!

Hey guys.. as always, I'm sorry that I suck so bad at keeping this blog updated. I really really will try harder from now on. Whenever I've thought about updating the blog I've always been put off as I couldn't really see what benefits it had. I think my problem was that as I run quite a few websites with the aim of making money, I had plans to do the same on this site too - it just seems to be a natural thing to do with a blog in my eyes. But I realise that it shouldn't be about money when it comes to social anxiety disorder. I should be using this blog solely as a place to vent my feelings and to try and help out other anxiety sufferers, so this is really what I need to start doing from now on.

So its been about 9 months since my last post here... its been quite a busy time and generally with me thats a very good thing. I've discovered that whenever I have too much time on my hands, or am by myself for long periods, basically whenever I'm bored and such, I seem to always feel down and depressed. I find by keeping active and keeping busy this is the best way to stop myself from feeling depressed, and even with regards to some of the social anxiety if I don't have time to stop and think about things then all the better - I just get ahead and do them without worrying. Its when I have the time to worry and listen to the thoughts in my head that I start to over-think things and then feel anxious.

In the time since my last post on the blog I've managed to complete my first year of college - which I managed around mid July, and I later found out that I passed my first year which I was really pleased about. I had to take a few exams and I've never been keen on revising but I actually enjoyed a lot of it this time around, and still passed without doing loads of revision - definitely a plus! The revision and exams were all tough but it actually felt like I'd learned more in those 2 or 3 weeks then I'd learned in the whole year of college... I don't know if thats a good or bad thing, I know I enjoyed it, but I think I need to apply myself a lot more next year if I want to get a good grade. Its just a 2 year course after all, so I'm going to try my best to knuckle down. I need to sort myself out an agenda so I can balance my work and my study, with an emphasis on the study.

When college finished I was left with a gap from mid June up until around the 20th of September - about a 3 month gap, which caused a bit of a dilema as I pretty much had nothing at all planned for summer, and really didn't fancy the prospect of just hanging around for that whole time - I was going to get so bored, and therefore so depressed and fed up! Luckily my housemate was in the same situation as me, and we're both really good mates with similar interests and so we decided to take massive risks (well, massive in terms for us), and do a bit of travelling. So we ended up spending nearly 2 months in places around the mediterranean and had an amazing time! It was definitely one of the best things I've ever done, and at one place we went to we did some volunteering at a camp and met so many amazing people from all over the world - one of the best things about being away. I was still shy and awkward at times but I still loved it all and have definitely got the travel bug so will be looking at doing this again, maybe after I've finished college! I think this may be worthy of a blog post in itself so I'll consider writing up a bit about my travels in more detail later on...

You Look Like You're Somewhere Else...

One of the things I've been managing to do quite regularly since starting university is to get exercise. I get quite a lot of walking done to and from college, and over some quite hilly roads, and also have started to work out a little bit from my new home, but also I play football with other college guys which is pretty fun, definitely a highlight of the week for me. It wasn't a serious game, just a match between 2 groups of people, but they've entered a team in a 6 a side league which I play in too, which is quite competitive but which I still really enjoy.

Some days when we play just a kick about I enjoy it more times then others - perhaps the teams may be a little unfair, or a bit unbalanced, or sometimes you may feel like you aren't really that involved in the match. I don't really feel that anxious when I play, but I don't talk whilst playing and rarely call for the ball, although I've been told many times that I should do. The only real time I feel a bit anxious is inbetween playing the game, making small talk with the other players etc.

Today I was playing football and during the match, when the ball had been kicked out of play and people were just waiting around, someone on my team asked if I was okay as I seemed to be elsewhere. This took me by surprise quite a bit, but the same guy had asked me if I was okay before, after a game, I think just out of politeness really. It didn't really affect me that much today, I just was a bit suprised. It made me wonder if I look like I'm distant or look like I'm elsewhere a lot of the time in general, or during football, but I'm pretty sure its something that must happen quite a lot. I guess a lot of the time I am elsewhere, as I'm thinking things to myself, and not really participating in much talking or doing anything much. It made me feel a bit anxious that I may look elsewhere all of the time now, and that someone that is a bit troubled would stand out that much to everyone. Social anxiety is something that you'd want to hide from view from other people, and to not make it public, yet if its that obvious that you've got things on your mind then maybe it isn't that easy to hide your problems.

I still think I suffer from the social anxiety when it comes to playing in important football matches. If I feel there is pressure on, that people are watching or its an important game, then sometimes I can get pretty breathless and this really affects me as obviously you don't want to be running out of breathe during a game of football. However, all in all I really enjoy playing and I'm loving all of the exercise that I've been getting since being at university. Many people have said that doing exercise is one of the best ways to beat depression, as it releases endorphines in the body, and its something that most people can do even when they feel pretty bad about themselves.

It would be really interesting to know if other people who suffer from anxiety of some sort have been told before that they look like they are elsewhere, as I'm sure it must be quite a common occurance. I think the guy that said it is just a pretty straight and honest guy, just checking up on me really. Even if I had admitted that there was something on my mind, its quite a tricky subject to approach, so I just said I was fine. I think during the game today I was just a bit frustrated with the teams and felt a bit lost on the pitch, so I may have looked more like I wasn't concentrating on my game much.

Blog update

Right, this is the second attempt at updating the blog. I tried a few days ago but my post disappeared, was quite lengthy so I was pretty annoyed! As you may have noticed, I've not posted here since about October 2009 - over a year ago. A fair bit has gone on since then, I do still have my social anxiety but I'm pretty much trying to get on with things and to not dwell on it. I'm going to try and spend some time in the near future reading more social anxiety help books and general depression support books, just because I do still suffer from the anxiety, but I also find that keeping myself busy is probably one of the best ways to cope, and I've been pretty busy recently.

I'm not completely sure why I've not updated the blog in so long, I can hazard a guess that it was because I'm pretty lazy at times... I don't think many/any people read the blog so I wasn't really convinced theres much point making these posts, but I'm hoping if I try and post more regularly that might change. Looking at the date of the last post which was October 09, that was quite a stressful period. I'm a bit worried about going into detail here because of incase someone finds out who I am by reading this, I mean if a friend happens to stumble upon this site. But I think I may be being quite paranoid as that situation is likely to actually happen. So anyway, the event which caused me quite a bit of stress and worry was when I got in a bit of trouble with the police. I was on a night out with friends, I drank way too much, and ended up in a fight and getting arrested. I had to go to court, where I pleaded guilty to the assault, and then was given a curfew as my punishment (and small fine).

Its not really the first time I've acted stupidly, and anytime that I have done anything like this it has been when I am drunk. I never ever start trouble or go looking for trouble but if someone does something to me when I'm drunk then its very unlikely that I'll just let them get away with it, I guess its because I know I let people get away with all sorts when I'm sober as I lack the confidence to stand up for myself... and when I'm drunk I have that confidence and I want to use it. But anyway thats my own "analysis" of myself, and so I've tried to avoid getting drunk ever since. I'll only ever drink again when I feel that I am not going to act silly, when I feel less anxious etc.

Usually when I go out clubbing with friends I feel that I have to drink a lot to get over my anxiety, I would never ever dance or anything like that if I was sober, so I tend to avoid going clubbing at this moment in my life. It gets quite awkard trying to avoid it though, as I'll probably explain in a blog post later... When I was out at the night that I got in trouble I drank a stupid amount, I don't know if this is anything to do with the social anxiety but when I'm drunk I don't know my limits and just keep on drinking - most people feel drunk and stop, because they don't need to drink more.

When I was told I would have to go to court because of the assault you can imagine I was pretty worried and very anxious. I was scared at the thought of what might happen to me as my punishment, and scared at the thought of going to court. I didn't cope or deal with it well at the time, and failed to speak to my family about it, who are always really supportive. I ended up telling my mum about it on the day of the court date, and then she ended up turning up at the court for my hearing.

In the interview after being arrested I mentioned my social anxiety as I thought if it could help me at all then I'd be silly not to mention it. I explained that I feel I have to drink quite a bit to stop feeling my anxiety, and I'm not sure whether or not it helped but I was desperate and was scared at the time, thinking I could end up going to prison. In court they mentioned my social anxiety, which is the first my mum had ever heard of it, so this wasn't the ideal circumstances for her to find out! But in a way I was glad she knew, but the reason I didn't tell her about me getting into trouble, or my anxiety, is because I think she's a bit of a worrier like me, and I didn't see why anyone else should have to suffer my own issues. That might sound a bit strange but its just the way I feel really, that its my problem and that I should have to deal with it - I was stupid enough to get in trouble in the first place, so I should have to suffer the consequences. I also realise the saying its good to talk, and that its not healthy to keep things inside or to yourself, so maybe this is something that I need to work on as well.

Anyway, I was given the curfew for what happened, which I thought was pretty ridiculous seeming as I'm not exactly a repeat offender and that I'm not exactly a menace to society. Also the fact that my social anxiety was brought up in court, you'd have thought they wouldn't have given me an excuse to stay indoors! But thats the criminal law system for you, I was glad to get what I got as I realise it could have been worse. I used the time to try and get more work done, and carried on with my CBT stuff. The court or police didn't offer any sort of advice regarding the anxiety, I thought it would have been nice if they did, or whether they said anything about consuming too much alcohol, or suggested some sort of counselling to stop me from acting the way I did. Not saying any of that would have helped, its just that so many people behave in this way, and by giving them a curfew I don't think that will exactly deal with the problem in the long run.

I think this post has probably digressed somewhat from what I had in mind, but its updated a fair chunk of the past year or so. From December until April 2010 I had my curfew, so I'll try and update the other parts of the year in some future posts on the blog. Appreciate any reads/comments from anyone, thanks!

Social Anxiety Disorder – A Vicious Cycle

Is it a vicious cycle or a vicious circle :-/ ? Anyway, not done too much since my last blog post. Played football with some friends the other night which was okay, was nice to get out of the house and do something really.

Its annoying because as I’ve mentioned before on this blog football is something that I really love doing, I love playing it and I love watching it. Without it I wouldn’t know what I’d do really. I’m happy playing football sometimes even by myself, as I would sometimes go to my local field and just amuse myself for an hour or so, just because I enjoy it and enjoy having a bit of a run around. Anyway as I was saying, I find it frustrating that I can get so anxious about doing something which I normally enjoy so much, perhaps to the point so that it isn’t really very enjoyable. For example the other night – I was a little nervous about playing but I wasn’t too bad, it was with some friends and some other people so I wasn’t too worried but I was still quite anxious. When I feel like that part of me wishes it would be over and done with, which is so stupid because football is something that I love so much. Then when I’m playing I usually withdraw a bit from the game and don’t really tend to get involved much, I think that is partly due to having such a low confidence at the moment. I get anxious about silly things like running, which isn’t something you should even care about when you’re playing football – you just do it naturally. So during the game I felt disappointed with myself as I didn’t feel I was playing well and I didn’t feel confident with myself, even though I know I’m not the worlds worst player and I shouldn’t be feeling like I do. I think my friends must notice I change in me over the past few years as I used to be a much better player.

Anyway the social anxiety disorder at times feels like a pretty vicious circle. With regards to my football, at times I get so nervous beforehand and begin to dread it, and wish it would be over and done with, then when I arrive I’m usually not so bad but am still very unconfident with my game and usually am very critical with myself after the match, analysing all my bad mistakes – stupid I know, considering its just a game and just for fun etc. And if I’ve played bad then I lose more confidence and begin to dread going to play, and so the cycle continues.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much, or maybe its just down to me/my social anxiety making me such a self-conscious and unconfident person. Whatever it is, I long to be the type of person who looks forward to playing football (like most normal people would), who can’t wait to be playing and who dread hearing the final whistle of the match. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it and I like the exercise and like it if we win, but when we do bad or I feel I played bad then I seem to be really negative. I think I should make it a target to stop analyzing myself and remember the positives from every part of my life :)

Do People With Social Anxiety Secretly Fancy Themselves?!

Sorry for the lack of posts recently (as if you really care :p) but have had a bit of a busy weekend for once. Most of my time was spent with family, recently my parents have got hold of an allotment in the town in which we live, and I spent a lot of Saturday and some of Sunday helping clear the land a bit. I really love being outdoors and I guess more in touch with nature (sounds a bit daft I know). I find it quite therapeutic and it feels to be very constructive too (much better then being sat on the computer not doing a lot, or sat watching TV, which has recently become one of my favourite pastimes).

I’ve heard before that being outdoors is good for the soul, I don’t think its very healthy both physically and mentally to be stuck indoors all the time, which I find occasionally happens with me. On a more interesting note, I’ve also heard that being outdoors/working outdoors can be good for people who suffer with mental health problems (such as depression, etc). I think if you suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder then being outdoors is a great medicine for you, it helps you to feel more alive and more free. Especially if you are doing something like gardening, where you could be growing fruits and vegetables, watching something grow, and then eating it, which is a very rewarding experience. I’ve heard someone that has been cured of their Social Anxiety Disorder that said that getting a dog was the thing that solved their illness – the dog was something that they had to look after and care for, and had to be taken out for walks etc.

Now anyway, back to the rather controversial blog post title – do people with Social Anxiety Disorder secretly fancy themselves? Now, I realise that this may sound quite strange, but sometimes I wonder if secretly I/other sufferers of Social Anxiety perhaps subliminally love their looks or their person. Which could be a good thing I guess. But anyway the reason I said this is the fact that people with SAD seem to get so self conscious. I mean, walking into a busy store is quite a big deal for some people, who feel that everyone will be looking at them or watching them, that they will do something which is stupid and which will draw even more attention to themselves, they’ll get really embarrassed etc and will want to get out of that store pretty quick.  What I want to know is, what makes me so special that anyone (let alone everyone) is going to simply look at me, or stare at me, just by walking into a store? Why is it that people with Social Anxiety feel that everyone will be watching them which makes them feel uneasy? I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I secretly fancy myself, which is why I think everyone will look at me when I’m in a busy place! Lol well don’t worry, I don’t fancy myself, to be honest when it comes to my appearance I’m not too bothered, I mean there’s not a lot that you can do about how you look so I tend not to worry. I worry more about how I convey myself or carry myself, how I act, what I say, etc etc.

Today was another pretty good day anyways, had my haircut which is sometimes a bit of an ordeal but its nice to get out the house and get it done. I like to get it done when I need it and not delay it, otherwise I get worked up and don’t look forward to going. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable sitting in the chair and not really making much conversation with the hairdresser, other times I just think I’m here to get my haircut and I’m paying my money so I should just relax and not worry about it. After that I checked my post at my local sorting office, did some work at home, and then played football in the evening. One thing which kind of annoyed me was a person I spoke to on MSN briefly. Basically they said I looked rough, which isn’t exactly a very nice thing to say to someone who you had just met. Anyway you always get people like that in life, just got to get over it and not let those kind of people bring you down (thanks Claire ;) ). I’ll make another post soon hopefully, will end this one for now as I find I could go on forever otherwise!

Coping With Social Anxiety Disorder

Today was a very good day for me, I think mainly because I kept myself busy pretty much all day and haven’t really had much time to think or anything. Usually when I’m bored I become restless and slightly depressed, I think this is to do with the Social Anxiety Disorder making me feel a bit suffocated. Also I think I think too much – I think about things in my head such as a previous social event or experience, and I will always focus on the negatives. I never really seem to remember positives, so this is something that I’m going to try and concentrate on more – remembering the good things in life and forgetting the bad!

Anyway back to my day – it was one of the first days in ages that I didn’t actually use the computer (until late in the evening), which is something I was quite proud of 8-) (I think I spend way too much time on the Internet sometimes).

My time was spent doing various mushroom related activities – and nope, not magical ones before you ask ;) I’ve recently become interested in growing mushrooms to eat – quite a strange hobby I know, but I find it very enjoyable and interesting. I think its good to have a hobby, especially if you suffer from a health condition like Social Anxiety Disorder. It helps to give you something to do, to occupy your mind with, to learn about, etc etc.

I actually feel pretty exhausted as well from being on my feet doing work for the majority of the day, something which I’m not really used to! With my work I’m mainly just sat at the computer for the day so its nice to be going to bed feeling tired out – I find it much easier to sleep when I feel this way. I’m quite certain that this is both a mental and physical response – you’ve had a long day and you’ve done lots of work so you feel happy in yourself and so you find it easier to sleep. And of course you are physically tired out and so you will find it far more relaxing being in bed.

Tomorrow I’m playing football in the evening but will have a little more work to do, both with my hobby and with my actual proper work! I’ve also tried to promise to myself that I will actually get down and start filing out the Social Anxiety Workbook that I recently purchased from Amazon (link is on the right hand side somewhere).

Oh and I’ve also added some polls and things on the site, so feel free to vote! At the moment I’ve kept it pretty simple and am asking if you think you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. I’m guessing that the majority of the people that visit my blog will have it though, anyway will report back my findings in a few weeks time.