Social Anxiety Disorder

I Suck At Updating My Social Anxiety Blog!

2011-09-14T16:11:00.001-07:00

Hey guys.. as always, I'm sorry that I suck so bad at keeping this blog updated. I really really will try harder from now on. Whenever I've thought about updating the blog I've always been put off as I couldn't really see what benefits it had. I think my problem was that as I run quite a few websites with the aim of making money, I had plans to do the same on this site too - it just seems to be a natural thing to do with a blog in my eyes. But I realise that it shouldn't be about money when it comes to social anxiety disorder. I should be using this blog solely as a place to vent my feelings and to try and help out other anxiety sufferers, so this is really what I need to start doing from now on.

So its been about 9 months since my last post here... its been quite a busy time and generally with me thats a very good thing. I've discovered that whenever I have too much time on my hands, or am by myself for long periods, basically whenever I'm bored and such, I seem to always feel down and depressed. I find by keeping active and keeping busy this is the best way to stop myself from feeling depressed, and even with regards to some of the social anxiety if I don't have time to stop and think about things then all the better - I just get ahead and do them without worrying. Its when I have the time to worry and listen to the thoughts in my head that I start to over-think things and then feel anxious.

In the time since my last post on the blog I've managed to complete my first year of college - which I managed around mid July, and I later found out that I passed my first year which I was really pleased about. I had to take a few exams and I've never been keen on revising but I actually enjoyed a lot of it this time around, and still passed without doing loads of revision - definitely a plus! The revision and exams were all tough but it actually felt like I'd learned more in those 2 or 3 weeks then I'd learned in the whole year of college... I don't know if thats a good or bad thing, I know I enjoyed it, but I think I need to apply myself a lot more next year if I want to get a good grade. Its just a 2 year course after all, so I'm going to try my best to knuckle down. I need to sort myself out an agenda so I can balance my work and my study, with an emphasis on the study.

When college finished I was left with a gap from mid June up until around the 20th of September - about a 3 month gap, which caused a bit of a dilema as I pretty much had nothing at all planned for summer, and really didn't fancy the prospect of just hanging around for that whole time - I was going to get so bored, and therefore so depressed and fed up! Luckily my housemate was in the same situation as me, and we're both really good mates with similar interests and so we decided to take massive risks (well, massive in terms for us), and do a bit of travelling. So we ended up spending nearly 2 months in places around the mediterranean and had an amazing time! It was definitely one of the best things I've ever done, and at one place we went to we did some volunteering at a camp and met so many amazing people from all over the world - one of the best things about being away. I was still shy and awkward at times but I still loved it all and have definitely got the travel bug so will be looking at doing this again, maybe after I've finished college! I think this may be worthy of a blog post in itself so I'll consider writing up a bit about my travels in more detail later on...

You Look Like You're Somewhere Else...

2011-01-22T17:41:00.001-08:00

One of the things I've been managing to do quite regularly since starting university is to get exercise. I get quite a lot of walking done to and from college, and over some quite hilly roads, and also have started to work out a little bit from my new home, but also I play football with other college guys which is pretty fun, definitely a highlight of the week for me. It wasn't a serious game, just a match between 2 groups of people, but they've entered a team in a 6 a side league which I play in too, which is quite competitive but which I still really enjoy.

Some days when we play just a kick about I enjoy it more times then others - perhaps the teams may be a little unfair, or a bit unbalanced, or sometimes you may feel like you aren't really that involved in the match. I don't really feel that anxious when I play, but I don't talk whilst playing and rarely call for the ball, although I've been told many times that I should do. The only real time I feel a bit anxious is inbetween playing the game, making small talk with the other players etc.

Today I was playing football and during the match, when the ball had been kicked out of play and people were just waiting around, someone on my team asked if I was okay as I seemed to be elsewhere. This took me by surprise quite a bit, but the same guy had asked me if I was okay before, after a game, I think just out of politeness really. It didn't really affect me that much today, I just was a bit suprised. It made me wonder if I look like I'm distant or look like I'm elsewhere a lot of the time in general, or during football, but I'm pretty sure its something that must happen quite a lot. I guess a lot of the time I am elsewhere, as I'm thinking things to myself, and not really participating in much talking or doing anything much. It made me feel a bit anxious that I may look elsewhere all of the time now, and that someone that is a bit troubled would stand out that much to everyone. Social anxiety is something that you'd want to hide from view from other people, and to not make it public, yet if its that obvious that you've got things on your mind then maybe it isn't that easy to hide your problems.

I still think I suffer from the social anxiety when it comes to playing in important football matches. If I feel there is pressure on, that people are watching or its an important game, then sometimes I can get pretty breathless and this really affects me as obviously you don't want to be running out of breathe during a game of football. However, all in all I really enjoy playing and I'm loving all of the exercise that I've been getting since being at university. Many people have said that doing exercise is one of the best ways to beat depression, as it releases endorphines in the body, and its something that most people can do even when they feel pretty bad about themselves.

It would be really interesting to know if other people who suffer from anxiety of some sort have been told before that they look like they are elsewhere, as I'm sure it must be quite a common occurance. I think the guy that said it is just a pretty straight and honest guy, just checking up on me really. Even if I had admitted that there was something on my mind, its quite a tricky subject to approach, so I just said I was fine. I think during the game today I was just a bit frustrated with the teams and felt a bit lost on the pitch, so I may have looked more like I wasn't concentrating on my game much.

Another Update To The Blog - April Onwards...

2011-01-10T16:13:00.001-08:00

In my previous post on the blog I mentioned what I had been upto for the past year, or since posting on the blog, and I went up to April of 2010. I mentioned getting in trouble and receiving a curfew, which took up quite a chunk of time and was quite a negative thing that happened to me, although to be honest it didn't really affect me that much - I had an excuse not to go out so much, but I was still able to get on with things during the day and to carry on as usual. It was a bit stressful if I was out and I would be worried about getting home in time, and it also became a bit of a nuisance because of some of the plans I had made - I decided that I wanted to go to university to study something.

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to get back into education... I'm 23 and most people went to university straight after sixth form, but back then I didn't feel like I wanted to down that route. It felt a lot like everyone was just going through the motions - they got told to go to school, to stay on at sixth form, and then to go off to university. I didn't really feel motivated to learn back then, hence getting a job then getting laid off then becoming self employed. I was self employed, and still am, making money from a network of websites that I created from scratch. But after about 2 years or doing this I started to get a bit bored, and I felt that I did want to learn things again, to meet new people and mainly to challenge myself. I was quite interested in conservation, and I've always liked most things related to the sea, so a marine conservation course was what had interested me.

So I started university in September and so far things are going well, but I do feel like its a bit of a struggle at times too. This is probably why I've come back to the blog to update it recently, as a way of venting my feelings in a way which (at least in my eyes) is more productive then just writing them down on paper for no-one else to see them. The content isn't too much of a struggle, well it is slightly as I've never done very well in Science related subjects at school and some of my modules can be quite involved, but mainly I feel a bit like I struggle with the social side of university. As I'm writing this my housemates are out drinking in town, and although I didn't go simply because of my anxiety, I feel a bit relieved at not having to go, which is annoying because I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel upset that I've not gone out, I really crave the enthusiasm that so many people on my course show when they talk about going out partying.

Anyway, think I've digressed again. Since the curfew ended in April, and up into university started in September, I don't think I was up to too much. I was carrying on working on my own websites, occasionally seeing friends, playing football, and so on. When I was on the curfew I tried giving some new things a go, I ended up going on an introductory sea kayaking course which I really enjoyed (kayaking is definitely something I want to get into) and this was quite awkward to do as my electronic tag wasn't allowed to get in contact with sea water as it can corrode it (was told I would be breaking the law if I did this) but I did it and it was fine as it didn't end up getting wet. I also went on an introduction to bee-keeping course which was interesting, but a bit boring and I felt a bit awkward as I was by far the youngest person there and didn't really feel comfortable going up to older strangers to make small talk. I don't really think I did too much else before starting university, I guess I was just quite busy preparing to move and so on.

The curfew was also annoying because when it came to the university open days, the curfew wouldn't allow me to go because as they were quite far away I wouldn't be able to travel there and back in time - so I ended up having to have about 2 other seperate court hearings (specifically just for me) to allow me to have special permission to break my curfew by attending these open days. Again, I really think this was pretty pointless and a waste of the courts time/my time. Sometimes I had to wait hours to get into court (if it was on a Monday apparently there are lots of arrests during the weekend which get pushed in ahead of me) and I would only in court for a minute or 2. I also had to travel to the court to get a form to fill in in order for them to review my request to break the curfew, which meant having to travel there etc. This may sound a bit moany, especially considering I did break the law, but just feel the whole system is a bit rubbish. Other people on curfew may have been put off even applying for university and attending these open days when they are aware of the amount of extra effort they had to put in to allow them to break the curfew.

Anyways, apologies again if I have sidetracked a fair bit in this post. Just trying to cram in as much info for the past few months as possible, hope it wasn't too boring! As I've updated the gaps for the past few months I'll now be able to add more social anxiety relevent posts, which will be shorter and more to the point (hopefully!). Thanks for reading :)

Blog update

2010-12-28T14:33:00.001-08:00

Right, this is the second attempt at updating the blog. I tried a few days ago but my post disappeared, was quite lengthy so I was pretty annoyed! As you may have noticed, I've not posted here since about October 2009 - over a year ago. A fair bit has gone on since then, I do still have my social anxiety but I'm pretty much trying to get on with things and to not dwell on it. I'm going to try and spend some time in the near future reading more social anxiety help books and general depression support books, just because I do still suffer from the anxiety, but I also find that keeping myself busy is probably one of the best ways to cope, and I've been pretty busy recently.

I'm not completely sure why I've not updated the blog in so long, I can hazard a guess that it was because I'm pretty lazy at times... I don't think many/any people read the blog so I wasn't really convinced theres much point making these posts, but I'm hoping if I try and post more regularly that might change. Looking at the date of the last post which was October 09, that was quite a stressful period. I'm a bit worried about going into detail here because of incase someone finds out who I am by reading this, I mean if a friend happens to stumble upon this site. But I think I may be being quite paranoid as that situation is likely to actually happen. So anyway, the event which caused me quite a bit of stress and worry was when I got in a bit of trouble with the police. I was on a night out with friends, I drank way too much, and ended up in a fight and getting arrested. I had to go to court, where I pleaded guilty to the assault, and then was given a curfew as my punishment (and small fine).

Its not really the first time I've acted stupidly, and anytime that I have done anything like this it has been when I am drunk. I never ever start trouble or go looking for trouble but if someone does something to me when I'm drunk then its very unlikely that I'll just let them get away with it, I guess its because I know I let people get away with all sorts when I'm sober as I lack the confidence to stand up for myself... and when I'm drunk I have that confidence and I want to use it. But anyway thats my own "analysis" of myself, and so I've tried to avoid getting drunk ever since. I'll only ever drink again when I feel that I am not going to act silly, when I feel less anxious etc.

Usually when I go out clubbing with friends I feel that I have to drink a lot to get over my anxiety, I would never ever dance or anything like that if I was sober, so I tend to avoid going clubbing at this moment in my life. It gets quite awkard trying to avoid it though, as I'll probably explain in a blog post later... When I was out at the night that I got in trouble I drank a stupid amount, I don't know if this is anything to do with the social anxiety but when I'm drunk I don't know my limits and just keep on drinking - most people feel drunk and stop, because they don't need to drink more.

When I was told I would have to go to court because of the assault you can imagine I was pretty worried and very anxious. I was scared at the thought of what might happen to me as my punishment, and scared at the thought of going to court. I didn't cope or deal with it well at the time, and failed to speak to my family about it, who are always really supportive. I ended up telling my mum about it on the day of the court date, and then she ended up turning up at the court for my hearing.

In the interview after being arrested I mentioned my social anxiety as I thought if it could help me at all then I'd be silly not to mention it. I explained that I feel I have to drink quite a bit to stop feeling my anxiety, and I'm not sure whether or not it helped but I was desperate and was scared at the time, thinking I could end up going to prison. In court they mentioned my social anxiety, which is the first my mum had ever heard of it, so this wasn't the ideal circumstances for her to find out! But in a way I was glad she knew, but the reason I didn't tell her about me getting into trouble, or my anxiety, is because I think she's a bit of a worrier like me, and I didn't see why anyone else should have to suffer my own issues. That might sound a bit strange but its just the way I feel really, that its my problem and that I should have to deal with it - I was stupid enough to get in trouble in the first place, so I should have to suffer the consequences. I also realise the saying its good to talk, and that its not healthy to keep things inside or to yourself, so maybe this is something that I need to work on as well.

Anyway, I was given the curfew for what happened, which I thought was pretty ridiculous seeming as I'm not exactly a repeat offender and that I'm not exactly a menace to society. Also the fact that my social anxiety was brought up in court, you'd have thought they wouldn't have given me an excuse to stay indoors! But thats the criminal law system for you, I was glad to get what I got as I realise it could have been worse. I used the time to try and get more work done, and carried on with my CBT stuff. The court or police didn't offer any sort of advice regarding the anxiety, I thought it would have been nice if they did, or whether they said anything about consuming too much alcohol, or suggested some sort of counselling to stop me from acting the way I did. Not saying any of that would have helped, its just that so many people behave in this way, and by giving them a curfew I don't think that will exactly deal with the problem in the long run.

I think this post has probably digressed somewhat from what I had in mind, but its updated a fair chunk of the past year or so. From December until April 2010 I had my curfew, so I'll try and update the other parts of the year in some future posts on the blog. Appreciate any reads/comments from anyone, thanks!

The Meaning Of Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-10-21T04:32:00.002-07:00

The term "social anxiety" is a general term that is applied to feelings of apprehension and fear in social situations. A person with this mental disorder may have a certain amount of uneasiness around others, be it strangers or those familiar to them. A certain amount of it is a normal part of a child psychosocial development.

Social anxiety can take many different forms. Examples of it include being afraid of public speaking, performance anxiety, shyness, stage fright. Given these examples, it seems some level of social phobia exists in each of us. The anxiety most certainly exists on a continuum for every one...ranging from small amounts of timidity to debilitating clinical phobias.

Social anxiety that continues and worsens during adolescence and early adulthood may be a sign of Social Anxiety Disorder, or also known as Social Phobia. It is specifically difficult to diagnose given the generality of normal anxieties in most everyone. The credibility of it being a "disorder" has even been challenged by some professionals. The American Psychological Association has, however, included it in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders since the 1980 version. Although some argue about the relevancy and specificity of the diagnostic criteria, it is generally agreed that the descriptive definition and criteria are improving with each revision of the highly revered and noted publication.

Diagnostic criteria for social anxiety in children require that the symptoms of the disorder be present for a minimum of six months time. For adult, it does not have to be present that long to be clinically diagnosed, but a differential diagnosis will be made from patient reports of intense fear of being in social situations, fear of being judged, worry about being humiliated, fear that others will see that you are anxious, panic attacks, and developing avoidance of situations where one will have to speak to people or be the center of attention.

Clinical levels of this disorder can be reclassified into one of two sub categories, General Social Phobia and Specific Social Phobias. The more general the symptoms and triggers, the more likely that the disorder will fit in the former category. Just as one can have a wide sweeping array of general social phobias, one can exhibit extreme social phobias about specific instances-riding in elevators, speaking on the telephone, or being in a crowded shopping mall are all examples of specific social phobias.

There are numerous treatments for those with extreme levels of social anxiety disorder. These include cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, talk therapy, and behavioral therapy. These types of treatments can be used successfully alone or as a repertoire of therapeutic treatments. Whatever the case, it is important that one recognizes the anxiety and seeks help before the phobias begin to take over your life. Untreated it can be a debilitating and troublesome condition for adolescents and adults. Seeking treatment is the first step towards successful rehabilitation and the ability to face your fears head on.

Suffering From Social Anxiety

2009-05-23T04:01:00.001-07:00

Are you suffering from social anxiety disorder and fed up with visiting different therapists? Or, worse, scared to go to see a therapist? What can you do from the security of your own residence that may help you to work on your inner feelings, ideology and emotions, so enabling you to have the inner confidence to get out there among others, feeling cushty in your own skin?

Social stress Disorder has been handed a lot more attention by the medical profession in the last ten years. If you be afflicted by it, you know what it feels like and how it has effects on each area of your life. It causes considerable trouble and pain as the subject worries about what other folks may think about them. This fear of being judged and fear of becoming embarrassed can be extremely devitalizing. For some this fear is only experienced in certain circumstances, with certain triggers, maybe only when in the area of "people in authority". For others it may be sure places which act as the trigger to their inner chaos ; perhaps a weekly essential trip to the supermarket or simply having to stroll down the road is sufficient to get palms sweating and heart palpitating. For some, just the concept of having to leave the house will set this uncomfortable ball rolling.

The myriad evidence of social anxiety could be caused by exact fact or merely expectation of something which might or might not occur. In both cases, the symptoms experienced are similarly real. Whether the stress experienced is generalized or more express it's still terribly uncomfortable and devitalizing for the subject. The majority have major difficulty in their search to conquer it. This isn't surprising because as you concentrate on attempting to overcome social anxiety you unavoidably spend more time considering it, and what you concentrate on has a tendency to become "bigger" in your mind and thus in your life too. This is a central aspect of how your mind works. Consider it for a second. If you are brooding about purchasing a specific vehicle, for example, maybe a BMW or Lexus, you may all of a sudden become mindful of each automobile that you see which fits that outline.

All of a sudden there appear to be so many more BMW or Lexus automobiles on the road! Another "thing" which your mind does all the time, without fail, is if you try and not do something, you'll have an overpowering instinct to do precisely that which you are trying not to do. Try as hard as you can for an instant to NOT see a giraffe...What happened? Did you see a long neck, by any chance?! Applying this to your try to overcome social anxiety disorder will help you to appreciate why the task can be so hard. The more that you give it some thought the more it occurs, and the more that you try and not consider it the more it occurs as well. Added to this you have no idea why you "got it" in the 1st place. There'll be a reason why.

A symptom does not happen without cause, although you are most likely ignorant at a conscious level of what that cause might be. Your subconscious mind will however know what the cause is and has made these patterns of behavior which you no longer want to have.

How are you able to go about changing these subconscious patterns of feelings and behavior? A trip to your local analytical hypnotherapist ( please check for the one with the top level of applicable credentials and the most experienced ) will show you ways to relax in hypnosis, so accessing the workings of your inner mind, your subconscious, and then steer you to uncoil the springs of cause and effect which led straight to these symptoms being experienced. This may help you to grasp why it all occurred and will relieve plenty of the stress experienced.

But you are probably going to still need a specific quantity of mind re-training for you to feel totally cushty in social scenarios. It is a little like you know you no longer need to feel a bit like "that"...but you do not know how you should be expecting to feel either. It can feel just like you are in "limbo".

Hypnosis downloads are incredibly useful in coaching your brain to expect to feel as you would like to feel. They are cheap ( a major bonus in the present environment ), straightforward to use and fast to work.

You actually can learn an entire host of psychological talents which will permit you to feel cosy in each situation which you can encounter. I made my "complete confidence program" of hypnosis downloads for this very reason - to enable everybody to have access to learning all of the psychological talents wanted to be assured in life at terribly tiny cost.

Avoiding Embarrassment

2009-04-22T04:31:00.001-07:00

If embarrassment is keeping you from advancing in your career or maintaining private relations, there are many paths to beat bashfulness and become the outgoing person you want to be.

List your good qualities and luxuriate in the fact that you have many good points that will help you overcome your embarrassment problem.

Pick one thing you would like to change about yourself and concentrate on that one thing till you achieve success in making positive changes. Methodically working with one issue at a time will help you become the person you need to be and overcome your bashfulness. It could be an easy thing like making eye contact with the clerk at your local greengrocer or striking up a conversation with a stranger on the bus. These are some helpful recommendations and concepts that will help you overcome embarrassment and talk up when you must to realize your goals. The things that are of the most help to some shy folks will not work as well for others. Random test and a wish to succeed are the keys to finding what works best for you. Following some easy embarrassment tips can be extremely advantageous to you in your search to triumph over bashfulness. If you suffer from extreme embarrassment, a good bashfulness tip is to elucidate the difficulty to those you run into on a constant basis. Folk have a tendency to be extraordinarily understanding and useful if you explain the difficulty in a way that simply lets them know you are shy, and not in a way engineered to gain sympathy.

There are many methods to beat embarrassment and not every idea or idea will work for everybody.

Find the tools that are the most useful to you personally and use these tools to the best of your capability. Begin gently and make little changes each step of the way. You'll be able to see your progress with each negative personality mark you change into a positive one.

Social Anxiety Disorder Blog - Update

2009-03-19T15:38:00.001-07:00

Sorry about the poor blog title, not really in a very intelligent mood and am unable to think what to write about really, so this is just an update for the past few days. Apologies again for the lack of activity on the blog too, I guess the blog could be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder too ;)

The reason I’ve not really posted much is simply that I’ve been a bit busy. Either with football, work, and seeing my girlfriend :) Have spent quite a few evenings with her and I usually only update the blog in the evening so its hard to find time to post. I find it hard updating the blog during the day because I find it hard to get in the right mood to post – at night time I can just go on my laptop in bed and am in a more comfortable and relaxed setting.

I don’t really have too much else to report, Social Anxiety related anyway. It was my birthday a few days ago and I didn’t really do anything to celebrate, don’t see why I should bother going out with my friends because I never go out with them so I don’t see why it should make a difference just because its my birthday.

I’ve been out places a few times recently but nothing major, most the time when I see my girlfriend she comes here which is fine by me and she’s fine with it too but hopefully I’ll be able to go more places with her now, and I’ll have some motivation to actually go somewhere – I might drive to meet her somewhere when usually I wouldn’t have had a reason to go to that place, or anyplace either, and so I probably wouldn’t have bothered/would have been scared to.

Will hopefully start posting more often and some more interesting news on the blog soon!

Another Update In My Rather Uninteresting Social Anxiety Blog!

2009-03-10T15:37:00.001-07:00

Not done much again recently just the usual! Drove to a local cinema place which was nice, usually I’m a bit scared as its about 15 mins by car and I went a route I’ve never really been before so it felt nice, usually I get really anxious about driving somewhere I’ve never been before so it felt as if I was conquering my social anxiety disorder somewhat :) I met up with a friend and had a bit of a chat which was nice, was a different way to spend the evening at least (usually sat in front of the TV or the computer!).

Yesterday I had football and because one of my friends wasn’t playing I couldn’t really rely on a lift, so I drove instead. I could’ve tried to get a lift from another friend or something, but I thought I should give it a go and it was fine, no embarrassing moments… well, there was one lol but thankfully the car park was pretty empty – I pulled up in a space in the middle of the car park, forgetting it was kind of on a slight hill, and thought I had done everything (lights off, wipers off, etc) and was having a drink from my water bottle and something caught my eye which startled me very slightly… the car was rolling down hill lol. Thankfully there were no cars around to crash into, and I’m pretty sure no-one saw so I was quite lucky lol. Its sometimes funny though, as in my mind thats one of the things I can imagine happening to me when I go somewhere (and hundreds of people witnessing it, and me going a very bright red colour and wishing I could crawl under a rock and die) yet when it did happen I can just laugh it off :) Sometimes I think people with Social Anxiety Disorder think about things way too much and worry when actually when stuff like that does happen it can be pretty funny, and a nice little story to tell people :) (granted, mine wasn’t that funny or interesting but still).

At football we lost pretty bad but we were playing a team from the league above and we were a man short. I got fouled and now my leg and hip is really painful which is quite annoying. Today I’ve just been doing some work on the computer and not a lot else. Still desperate to go away travelling but seeming to find it hard to find someone as interested as me. I’m thinking that maybe I should try and find someone who has social anxiety disorder who might be interested in doing it with me – maybe they will be more likely to do it, and might agree that its a way out of their shyness.

Is It Better To Have Lived And Lost Then To Have Never Lived At All?

2009-03-05T15:17:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, not really been in the mood to write on the blog. That’s not to say that I’ve been feeling down or anything, just sometimes find I need to be in the right frame of mind to write anything on here, I guess its a combination of that and being lazy :p

Haven’t done toooo much recently, played football in some kind of freak weather storm the other day, was completely soaked through but I kind of don’t mind being out and doing stuff when the weather is a bit mental. Kind of makes me feel like people aren’t as interested in you, they are more busy trying to avoid the rain or something. It was the same when it was snowing as well, found that people were generally more happy and relaxed when the snow was around. Yesterday I went to a friends house which was nice, even though he only really asked me other because he had trouble with his Internet and knows I’m a bit of a geek! I couldn’t fix it but was nice to get out and stuff. Was annoying because was hoping to drive (don’t really drive much so is good when I do, both for my confidence and for the car lol) but it had a flat battery again (due to my neglect no doubt) and so had to walk. Usually I’d be quite annoyed if I felt someone was using me, but in this case I wasn’t too fussed because he’s invited me over before lots and I usually don’t bother as I find I get a bit bored. That’s not me being rude at all though, I think its my own fault that I get bored – I don’t tend to talk much and so it does get boring just sitting around watching TV. I think if I didn’t have my social anxiety disorder then I would have enjoyed being around my friends more and they would probably enjoy my company more. Today was quite a busy day although I was in the most of it – I was doing some mushroom work which ended up taking hours and also I did my weekly exercise routine :)

I’ve still got an itch to get away and go travelling, I don’t think its ever going to go away until I’ve actually been and done it. I’m pretty sure it could get rid of my social anxiety disorder due to making me more confident and independent. I hope I’m not going on about it too much or dreaming something that’s never going to happen. Or I hope that I don’t end up going and just being a bit of a recluse in a different country! Anyway I know its better to have no regrets so its something I know I will do. The only thing that is holding me back right now is someone to go with. I know people do go alone and they recommend it, but I just don’t think I can on my own. I want to find someone to go with me, not a friend but someone else who wants to travel. That’s what I’m trying to do at the moment, when I’ve found someone to go with then I’ll be ready! This was kind of what my blog title was about btw – is it better to have lived and lost then to have never lived at all… I was just thinking how I could live like I currently do and live until I’m 80 or whatever and have a not so enjoyable life, or I could live an amazing outgoing life and be hit by a bus crossing the road and die when I’m 30. I’m just thinking how its better to have lived a happy and exciting life then to have worried about things so much and never really found happiness. Will update the blog a bit sooner next time hopefully!

Its My Life And I’ll Waste It If I Want To?

2009-03-02T14:57:00.001-08:00

The thing with social anxiety disorder and I’m sure that most suffers are aware of this too, is that I fully realise that I’m wasting my life and I’m really not making the most of it when I know I should be. It makes me feel really guilty as well when I know of other people who have had their life cut short for some reason which is completely out of their hands, perhaps a tragic accident or an illness or something like that. It makes me feel guilty for not making the most of my time alive, and in a sad way makes me wonder why it happens to the people that it does happen. I mean, not being too negative or don’t mean to sound suicidal at all, but if an outgoing and loving young man was to die suddenly it just makes me feel a bit ashamed when I’m the complete opposite and I’m still here :(

When things like that happen I thought they are meant to spur you on, meant to scare you into living your life more and changing your ways… but I’ve never really been motivated to get out and do something from an outside event – I guess what I mean is, I know that for me to make changes it has to come from inside myself, a desire to break out from my shyness and start living my life again.

Recently I’ve been looking into travelling again and I’m certain its something I will be doing its just a matter of when. I’m fed up of just saying I’ll go travelling to try and make my social anxiety disappear, force myself out of my comfort zone and try and make myself realise that I can cope doing something really social and away from my current lifestyle.

I’m still looking for someone to come with me but I don’t think this is just the social anxiety coming through, I think I would generally be a bit scared going travelling completely on my own. At least I won’t be going with someone I know anyway (I’m hoping to find a travel companion on the Internet) and then it will be easier for me.

I’ve not been up to much recently which is annoying, didn’t really go out much over the weekend, just to walk the dog as usual. I watched the football on TV and that was about it, would have liked to have done more outside things but never really had the chance. I would have played football tonight but I think our team wasn’t scheduled to play for some reason, so have to wait another week. I was kind of relieved as usual because I get so anxious before playing (although I usually do enjoy it mildly when playing and enjoy it when I get home because the ordeal is over!).

Spent a little bit of time doing some gardening today as it was very sunny out, and did a little bit of work outside on the laptop, love the sunny weather makes me feel so much happier and reminds me of summertime. Makes me forget my social anxiety disorder and just want to go to the beach or something :)

Social Anxiety Disorder – A Vicious Cycle

2009-02-26T14:16:00.001-08:00

Is it a vicious cycle or a vicious circle :-/ ? Anyway, not done too much since my last blog post. Played football with some friends the other night which was okay, was nice to get out of the house and do something really.

Its annoying because as I’ve mentioned before on this blog football is something that I really love doing, I love playing it and I love watching it. Without it I wouldn’t know what I’d do really. I’m happy playing football sometimes even by myself, as I would sometimes go to my local field and just amuse myself for an hour or so, just because I enjoy it and enjoy having a bit of a run around. Anyway as I was saying, I find it frustrating that I can get so anxious about doing something which I normally enjoy so much, perhaps to the point so that it isn’t really very enjoyable. For example the other night – I was a little nervous about playing but I wasn’t too bad, it was with some friends and some other people so I wasn’t too worried but I was still quite anxious. When I feel like that part of me wishes it would be over and done with, which is so stupid because football is something that I love so much. Then when I’m playing I usually withdraw a bit from the game and don’t really tend to get involved much, I think that is partly due to having such a low confidence at the moment. I get anxious about silly things like running, which isn’t something you should even care about when you’re playing football – you just do it naturally. So during the game I felt disappointed with myself as I didn’t feel I was playing well and I didn’t feel confident with myself, even though I know I’m not the worlds worst player and I shouldn’t be feeling like I do. I think my friends must notice I change in me over the past few years as I used to be a much better player.

Anyway the social anxiety disorder at times feels like a pretty vicious circle. With regards to my football, at times I get so nervous beforehand and begin to dread it, and wish it would be over and done with, then when I arrive I’m usually not so bad but am still very unconfident with my game and usually am very critical with myself after the match, analysing all my bad mistakes – stupid I know, considering its just a game and just for fun etc. And if I’ve played bad then I lose more confidence and begin to dread going to play, and so the cycle continues.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much, or maybe its just down to me/my social anxiety making me such a self-conscious and unconfident person. Whatever it is, I long to be the type of person who looks forward to playing football (like most normal people would), who can’t wait to be playing and who dread hearing the final whistle of the match. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it and I like the exercise and like it if we win, but when we do bad or I feel I played bad then I seem to be really negative. I think I should make it a target to stop analyzing myself and remember the positives from every part of my life :)

Writers Block And Social Anxiety

2009-02-23T15:29:00.001-08:00

Not really sure what to write about today so will just have a bit of a ramble about what I got up to over the past few days, and just generally how I feel.

At the moment I feel pretty tired and a bit down, played football earlier at the 5aside league I play in (nothing serious) and lost about 5-2, was pretty demoralizing. I think that having SA I’m really critical with regards to my own performance when I play football, I think its probably fair to say over-critical. Whereas most normal people would tend to remember the good things that they contributed with during a match, I tend to just remember all the bad things. I guess that sums of Social Anxiety Disorder really – a bit of a vicious cycle at times. Anyway I think I’m over it hopefully and will try to forget about it, is just a game after all :)

At the weekend I was pretty busy which made a nice change, even if I was just with my family (not knocking being with my family at all, its just that sometimes its nice to get the feeling that you are independent and go out and do your own things). I spent Saturday digging at the allotment (about 4 hours) and was pretty achey after that – not used to manual labour! And then spent about 2 hours at the allotment digging the next day, also walked the dog a few times and went to have a look at some land with my parents that I was kinda interested in investing in, until I discovered it was pretty much just a boggy field full of ducks :-/

Today I felt like I had writers block to be honest, don’t want to sound too posh or make it out that I am some kind of writer, I just felt like I was at a bit of a dead-end at couldn’t think what to do with myself. I spent a bit of time adding to some of my websites and blogs, chatting on MSN (as usual), and that was about it. I’ve always got loads of ideas regarding work, just not often have the energy to go through with them. Really need to get myself earning money again though, feel like I’m just hanging around at home right now and not actually making money like I used to.

Anyway apologies that this wasn’t very SA related again today, just not much else to report on that front at the moment. Still thinking of going to the doctors, still thinking of biting the bullet and trying to go travelling, still not sure what I’ll decide. Feel like I’m just waiting for something to happen, but I’ve been waiting ages and nothings happened yet so I think I know its up to me to make it happen really…

Exercise Is A Good, Free Way To Make Yourself Feel Better

2009-02-19T14:55:00.001-08:00

Not much to report really for the past few days, was quite nice because I played football with my friends (played Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so far this week) and today I did some more exercise too. Think I’ve probably mentioned this before on the forum, but exercise is a good way of making yourself feel happy – when you exercise your body releases chemicals which make yourself feel “better” (sorry, that’s about as technical as my explanations go at the moment :p). But anyway, if you’re feeling depressed or bored then I find exercise is an excellent and free way of perking yourself up a little. Perhaps by going for a jog around your local area (perhaps a quiet forest or something – I hate jogging around the roads, don’t like to be watched whilst jogging!).

I’ve enjoyed playing football with my friends recently but I do still find that I’m not overly happy and feel at times as if my SAD holds me back. I realise that if you want to be a good footballer you need to get involved and talk more and shout for the ball etc, which I usually find quite hard. Not sure if its me being shy or my Social Anxiety or something, just don’t really feel that comfortable doing it around my friends. I think if I’m playing in a match and I’m playing people I don’t know, and my team are talking to each other then I’ll find it easier to call for the ball etc. But if I’m playing with friends then I find it hard because it feels like they all know me as being shy/quiet, and so if I suddenly started being more vocal they might be a bit shocked. I guess I’m worried I’ll stand out, which is something you don’t like when you have Social Anxiety Disorder…

Also been quite busy with my work and setting up new websites and such, not got a lot planned for Friday or the weekend unfortunately. Trying to find a way of getting new friends as well, my other friends like to go clubbing and drinking and that’s not really something I enjoy (clubbing at least :p), and I don’t like having to get drunk to enjoy myself. Rather find something else to do, but I find it hard meeting new people. Anyway that’s a topic for another day so will update this during the weekend probably.

Do People With Social Anxiety Secretly Fancy Themselves?!

2009-02-16T15:35:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently (as if you really care :p) but have had a bit of a busy weekend for once. Most of my time was spent with family, recently my parents have got hold of an allotment in the town in which we live, and I spent a lot of Saturday and some of Sunday helping clear the land a bit. I really love being outdoors and I guess more in touch with nature (sounds a bit daft I know). I find it quite therapeutic and it feels to be very constructive too (much better then being sat on the computer not doing a lot, or sat watching TV, which has recently become one of my favourite pastimes).

I’ve heard before that being outdoors is good for the soul, I don’t think its very healthy both physically and mentally to be stuck indoors all the time, which I find occasionally happens with me. On a more interesting note, I’ve also heard that being outdoors/working outdoors can be good for people who suffer with mental health problems (such as depression, etc). I think if you suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder then being outdoors is a great medicine for you, it helps you to feel more alive and more free. Especially if you are doing something like gardening, where you could be growing fruits and vegetables, watching something grow, and then eating it, which is a very rewarding experience. I’ve heard someone that has been cured of their Social Anxiety Disorder that said that getting a dog was the thing that solved their illness – the dog was something that they had to look after and care for, and had to be taken out for walks etc.

Now anyway, back to the rather controversial blog post title – do people with Social Anxiety Disorder secretly fancy themselves? Now, I realise that this may sound quite strange, but sometimes I wonder if secretly I/other sufferers of Social Anxiety perhaps subliminally love their looks or their person. Which could be a good thing I guess. But anyway the reason I said this is the fact that people with SAD seem to get so self conscious. I mean, walking into a busy store is quite a big deal for some people, who feel that everyone will be looking at them or watching them, that they will do something which is stupid and which will draw even more attention to themselves, they’ll get really embarrassed etc and will want to get out of that store pretty quick. What I want to know is, what makes me so special that anyone (let alone everyone) is going to simply look at me, or stare at me, just by walking into a store? Why is it that people with Social Anxiety feel that everyone will be watching them which makes them feel uneasy? I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I secretly fancy myself, which is why I think everyone will look at me when I’m in a busy place! Lol well don’t worry, I don’t fancy myself, to be honest when it comes to my appearance I’m not too bothered, I mean there’s not a lot that you can do about how you look so I tend not to worry. I worry more about how I convey myself or carry myself, how I act, what I say, etc etc.

Today was another pretty good day anyways, had my haircut which is sometimes a bit of an ordeal but its nice to get out the house and get it done. I like to get it done when I need it and not delay it, otherwise I get worked up and don’t look forward to going. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable sitting in the chair and not really making much conversation with the hairdresser, other times I just think I’m here to get my haircut and I’m paying my money so I should just relax and not worry about it. After that I checked my post at my local sorting office, did some work at home, and then played football in the evening. One thing which kind of annoyed me was a person I spoke to on MSN briefly. Basically they said I looked rough, which isn’t exactly a very nice thing to say to someone who you had just met. Anyway you always get people like that in life, just got to get over it and not let those kind of people bring you down (thanks Claire ;) ). I’ll make another post soon hopefully, will end this one for now as I find I could go on forever otherwise!

Coping With Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-02-10T14:29:00.001-08:00

Today was a very good day for me, I think mainly because I kept myself busy pretty much all day and haven’t really had much time to think or anything. Usually when I’m bored I become restless and slightly depressed, I think this is to do with the Social Anxiety Disorder making me feel a bit suffocated. Also I think I think too much – I think about things in my head such as a previous social event or experience, and I will always focus on the negatives. I never really seem to remember positives, so this is something that I’m going to try and concentrate on more – remembering the good things in life and forgetting the bad!

Anyway back to my day – it was one of the first days in ages that I didn’t actually use the computer (until late in the evening), which is something I was quite proud of 8-) (I think I spend way too much time on the Internet sometimes).

My time was spent doing various mushroom related activities – and nope, not magical ones before you ask ;) I’ve recently become interested in growing mushrooms to eat – quite a strange hobby I know, but I find it very enjoyable and interesting. I think its good to have a hobby, especially if you suffer from a health condition like Social Anxiety Disorder. It helps to give you something to do, to occupy your mind with, to learn about, etc etc.

I actually feel pretty exhausted as well from being on my feet doing work for the majority of the day, something which I’m not really used to! With my work I’m mainly just sat at the computer for the day so its nice to be going to bed feeling tired out – I find it much easier to sleep when I feel this way. I’m quite certain that this is both a mental and physical response – you’ve had a long day and you’ve done lots of work so you feel happy in yourself and so you find it easier to sleep. And of course you are physically tired out and so you will find it far more relaxing being in bed.

Tomorrow I’m playing football in the evening but will have a little more work to do, both with my hobby and with my actual proper work! I’ve also tried to promise to myself that I will actually get down and start filing out the Social Anxiety Workbook that I recently purchased from Amazon (link is on the right hand side somewhere).

Oh and I’ve also added some polls and things on the site, so feel free to vote! At the moment I’ve kept it pretty simple and am asking if you think you may have Social Anxiety Disorder. I’m guessing that the majority of the people that visit my blog will have it though, anyway will report back my findings in a few weeks time.

Avoiding Depression By Using A Daily Routine

2009-02-09T17:01:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I find that if I don’t really have any kind of routine I end up falling into bad habits and feeling pretty down in myself. For example I might end up going to bed at a funny time like 3am and then sleeping in until 11 or 12 and then feeling as if I’ve wasted the majority of the day. To try and combat this I try to set myself a bit of a regime or routine to follow, just so that I feel like I’m being constructive despite the Social Anxiety Disorder.

I think I’ve read somewhere before that all humans crave a routine, and without some kind of pattern to follow they end up going a bit crazy. Can’t remember where I heard this but I think it was said by some kind of a psychologist, and it did seem to make sense to me. People need to have a job otherwise they will just get bored and end up doing nothing, and sometimes I think that this feeling can affect people with Social Anxiety Disorder too – you really want to get out and do something, like get a job, but find it hard because you are put off by the whole interview process, or by the thought of failing at your job.

Although my routine is pretty boring and standard I think its still healthy for me to have one. I remember at one point I had a wacky idea that I could actually work during the night and sleep during the day… don’t ask me why lol, I just seemed to think that as I was self employed working from home I could just be different and sleep in the day time. Needless to say I realised this was a dumb idea, and I stuck to the normal 9-5 although its a little varied. Usually I work until about 6 o/clock but I work on bits and pieces during the evening too, just because I usually don’t have anything else to do at the moment. Also I walk the dog during the day, which I find is a nice break from being stuck inside working. I’ve heard that many people have actually overcome their Social Anxiety Disorder simply by getting a dog – you have to care for a dog and so you will need to walk it at least once per day. This gives you a chance to get out of the house and will probably mean that you meet other dog walkers (just as a result of walking your dog). Also you will have to buy food and other things to care for your dog. Your dog will hopefully reward you with love and affection and entertainment too, and I think all of these things help you to become more confident, socially and in other ways too. I believe that if you live on your own or need a reason to get out more then a dog would be perfect, as long as you make sure you do look after it.

Apart from that my daily routine is pretty simple, breakfast, work, lunch, work, walk the dog, work, dinner, bit more of work and then bed! Boring I know. One of the nice things about being at home is that I can break up my day by doing other things (usually loads of stuff around the house that I can entertain myself with) and that I can work anytime I like really.

Sorry if this blog post wasn’t exactly very Social Anxiety Disorder related, but I do genuinely find that by having a daily routine you can help your days living with Social Anxiety become just a little bit more bearable.

Finding A Cure For Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-02-07T16:49:00.001-08:00

I think this is a subject that anyone with Social Anxiety Disorder fantasizes about at least once per day, I know I do. It’s imagining the feeling of being completely un-self-conscious, the feeling of being confident enough to do everyday things without having massive worries about everything constantly, the feeling of generally being free and not being limited at all by this illness.

I’ve started looking at books on the Internet which claim to have the answers to curing Social Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve read many different articles on the condition on various websites. I think that there are a few ways of curing SAD, the main and most popular methods being CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and the second being the good old “just get on with it and live your life” type approach.

Now I’m by no means any kind of expert on Social Anxiety Disorder, as you would have no-doubt already guessed, or on the practices of CBT, but I think this method will involve seeing a specialist (Councillor or Psychiatrist) which would probably be provided by the NHS unless you have private medical healthcare. I think that CBT involves going back and trying to remove many of your negative thought processes which could have brought on the SAD, instead changing them with more positive and rational thoughts. For example, I have SAD and I sometimes find it hard making a phone call. I think as part of CBT I would be told something along the lines of, what’s the worst that could happen? I’m not going to die or anything, so what’s the problem? Anyway I think that’s kind of how CBT would go – training your mind and making you change the way you generally think about things, stopping the negative thoughts from even occurring.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy does seem to be the best option when it comes to trying to cure Social Anxiety Disorder, but I feel that at this moment in time I’m not quite ready to give it a go. One of the things with SAD is that it restricts you from even asking for help – something as simple as going to the Doctors is a painful process (having to phone them up to book an appointment, getting there, booking in at reception, waiting to go in, seeing the doctor, etc). I think that this process would put many SAD people off of going to the doctors for help, although I do believe that you can sometimes call the doctor out to your home if you feel that you aren’t able to get to them yourself. Although I think if I pushed myself I could go to the doctors to talk about my SAD, I’d be a bit worried if I was told I had to go to another hospital/doctors to get the CBT done. I wouldn’t like the idea of having to go somewhere new, as that seems quite daunting to me.

The other option for curing Social Anxiety Disorder which I mentioned earlier is the method which I think a lot of people eventually go out and take – the “f*** it you only live once” approach where you just put everything on the line and hope that you can cope with general life. If I’m honest I can see this being the approach that I’ll end up taking one day. I’ll just be fed up of living the way that I am, and will force myself to go out and do something crazy/awkward. Then hopefully I’ll survive and what to do it again, or do something even crazier, and hopefully eventually I will be happy doing most things, without feeling the horrible Social Anxiety :) That's the plan anyway! The crazy thing that I can see myself doing is going away travelling for a few months or more, and I’m really hoping that one day I’ll just get up and do it, leave my comfort zone and try living my life. But until then I’ll keep posting! ;)

Being Productive Whilst Having Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-02-05T17:25:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I find my day can be wasted due to feeling un-motivated, feeling too socially anxious, or just I guess generally being lazy. Today I found that I got a lot of work done and decided to try my best to spend as little time as possible on the Internet unless it is work related – pretty much meaning that I need to be signed out of MSN for as long as possible!

I’ve found programs like MSN to be really addictive but such a time waster, unless I am talking to people who are work-related. I can easily spend hours talking to random people, about anything and everything, and I found that this was really distracting me from my work. Its something that allows me to socialise with people who I’d never have been confident enough to talk to if I was with them in person, I think due to the whole Social Anxiety Disorder. I find that on MSN I am very different to how I am in real life – much more open and honest I think. Its nice because MSN allows me to speak to some interesting people and I’ve met a few other people who have Social Anxiety Disorder and its really nice being able to speak and relate about the illness with them :) So basically I’m trying to limit my time spent on MSN and other distracting websites!

Have quite a few exciting and interesting new website projects to be getting on with now too, so am looking forward to making some progress with it all in the next few days/weeks. Hoping to start making some money again!

Apart from work I’ve not done too much else, had an interesting game of football yesterday with some friends – started snowing extremely heavily and I was soaked through, having only worn shorts and t-shirt. I can’t ever remember feeling as cold as I did, and then watching my friend drive home with about an inch of snow on the ground (having fallen in about 30mins), and driving through a massive kind of snow-storm. Was exciting but cold! Was nice playing with friends but I kind of feel a bit outcast because I don’t really see them often anymore, I think they gave up on inviting me out.

A Snowy Kind Of Social Anxiety

2009-02-03T16:03:00.001-08:00

Today was a very good day for me which made quite a change, I went out and played in the snow with someone and had a great time! It was quite scary driving around in the conditions (roads were covered in ice, cars were literally skidding around corners) and there seemed to be plenty of mini accidents going on all over the place. We even had to help push someone’s car out of the snow, which was very amusing. A car went past and stopped and asked if we needed another hand, and then his car just skidded off the road and almost got stuck too! Its funny how the weather can bring much of the UK to a standstill, just shows how we are not used to getting any kind of snow.

I find its quite nice how the snow seems to bring people together at times, simple things like helping push someone out of some snow, generally talking to each other more about the snow, offering to help people who can’t get around to certain places, going out together to play in the snow, etc.

One of my worries recently when it started to snow was that I wouldn’t actually get to go and play in it. I know I sound like a bit of a baby or kid lol, but with the Social Anxiety its harder to just go out and play on your own or anything. I don’t really feel like I have any good friends at the moment, and so I wouldn’t have wanted to go out with any of them really. They actually rang me yesterday for the first time in ages and asked if I wanted to come out in the snow, and then they were like oh do you have a sledge we can use? Its as if they think I’m dumb or that I won’t mind them knowing that the only reason they’ve bothered ringing me is that they want a sledge to use :( So that annoyed me and I didn’t go out with them because of that, feels like they only ever bother with me when they want something from me or when they need extra numbers because there’s no-one else around or something.

So in an ideal world I would just not bother seeing them again but its hard because I don’t really have any other friends (they are all friends with each other and so if I stop seeing one of them I stop seeing the whole group). A normal person might try and seek out new friends but I find this extra hard due to the Social Anxiety Disorder. I think its quite hard for young men to find themselves friends really, I mean if you were to try being friendly/chatty to a guy they will probably think you’re weird/gay/desperate/mental. I guess I would fall in the mental bracket, lol :(
Anyway I had fun playing in the snow and had a good day in general! So lets hope the snow stays for as long as possible :D

Shortness Of Breath

2009-02-02T16:29:00.001-08:00

One of the things that I recently learned about Social Anxiety Disorder is that it can cause shortness of breath, something which was quite interesting to me personally. I think that a mental disorder which can cause someone’s heart to beat faster or their body to sweat more or for their breathing to be affected it has to be a pretty bad disorder. Its strange how something so much in the mind can affect you so much physically.

The shortness of breath symptom wasn’t really something that I had become that aware of with regards to Social Anxiety Disorder, but then I thought back and had my memory jogged. I remember a while aback when I was going for a walk with family and relatives. Some of these relatives are people who I seem to bring on my social anxiety even more, which may sound a bit nasty but its not at all intentional. They are still kind and caring people but I think its that they are quite successful people and are very smart and social people, and I think that seems to make me more anxious. Anyway the walk wasn’t exactly strenuous or tiring – not the sort of walk that would leave you short of breath by any stretch of the imagination. I was walking with a relative and they were asking how I was doing, how work was going etc and I could just feel myself becoming short of breath, and so seemed to be talking in quite short sentences and could feel myself going red because of feeling embarrassed too. I’m not sure if they noticed it much, or whether they thought I was being a bit unsociable or abrupt or anything, but it was quite annoying and strange :(

Another time that I experience shortness of breath is when playing football in a “big” environment. When I say big I don’t mean Wembley stadium, or even anything like a stadium. I just mean with people watching, or playing with strangers or something. I first experienced it when playing for the first time for the school football team, and got it ever since then really. When it happened I just thought I was really unfit – but that's a bit stupid because it was like the first few seconds of the football match. It’s such a frustrating thing for me to get because football is probably my biggest love, without sounding daft or OTT. I love playing football, whether on my own or with friends, and just love the freedom and knowing that you’re keeping fit too. It really annoys me that the Social Anxiety Disorder can even affect me in this way too, when doing one of the things that I really love, just because I’m being watched or am around people that I don’t know.

Apart from that it’s been snowing here which is really cool, hardly ever snows here! Enjoyed walking the dog in the snow, hopefully it’ll last a long time :) And also been working, so no change there. Still dreaming of working whilst travelling, or taking a break to go travelling for a few months to try and sort myself out.

Ever Get The Feeling That You Are Wasting Your Life?

2009-02-01T15:22:00.001-08:00

I don’t mean to sound depressed or too negative in my post today, but sometimes I do really feel that I’m wasting my life :(
Its frustrating too because I’m aware that I am wasting it… and yet I’ve not got the guts or motivation to get out and change it and do something about it. Social anxiety disorder holds me back from having a proper life at times, and feel like it holds me back from getting help. I’m thinking that I should just stop being a chicken about the whole thing, bite the bullet and try and get some help about it.

In some ways I feel happy with the work side of my life though. I enjoy what I do and I feel it suits me quite well in my current situation. However I would love to have my own office or work from home (from my own home, not my parents I mean). I’ve heard of people who do the work I do whilst travelling around the world – I think that would be amazing! I think that has to be one of my targets, one of my goals. Get over social anxiety and travel around the world. Working on the side when I can, or just enjoying myself a bit :)

I’ve thought about moving out of my house and renting somewhere but I’m not sure how clever that would be, financially and personally. I mean, I would probably be even more isolated living on my own, although I would be more independent – I would have to be otherwise I wouldn’t survive, lol. I would enjoy that side of things, which currently my parents take care of for me (shopping, cooking etc). But if I’m still going to work from the rented place then I will just be doing the same old thing, except with no family with me (and having to pay huge figures to rent). Also I hate the idea of renting a property, it just feels like a way of burning your money. I’d much rather get a mortgage and get my own place, but that would be a big commitment.
I’ve also thought about renting an office to work from. I think it would make my job seem more normal and more 9 – 5, and more social. But then if its just going to be me in an office on my own again, I’m not sure how worthwhile it will be. I know it will make me so much more productive (I waste too much time on MSN and on the internet in general) and so I’d probably be doing a lot of work if I did. But I don’t know if this is just a bit of a waste of money. Perhaps if I had a better balance of a work and social life at home then I wouldn’t have any issues.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a rant post, and not very social anxiety disorder related. I guess I’m finding it a bit hard regarding which direction I want to go in. Ideally I would go travelling and work on the move, but I’m not too sure if I have the guts to do this by myself, especially because of the SA. But I know something has got to change, because I realise I’m not making the most of my life at the moment…

Getting A Blank Mind When Put Under Pressure

2009-01-30T16:17:00.001-08:00

As I’ve said before on previous posts of this blog, one of the funny things with Social Anxiety Disorder is that people seem to relate to so many things. For example, when I was first finding out about SA I went to the SA UK forum and read a few interesting posts just to see if I could relate to any of it, which meant that I would probably have SA. Anyway, I saw a post from someone saying that they seem to get a blank mind when put under pressure – say someone approached them in the street and asked something out of the blue, this persons mind would go completely blank and they wouldn’t really know the correct answer (without guessing).

I looked at some of the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder and surely enough, getting a blank-mind when put under pressure was one of the symptoms. This was something else that led me to believe that I definitely have a form of SA – years ago when I worked at a supermarket part-time whilst I was at college I would get approached by customers asking me where things were. Sometimes I would be fine and would remember where things were, but other times I would feel as if my mind has gone completely blank – and not really know the answer. At the time I thought I was just being a bit thick really, and that I was forgetful or just really bad with customers. I guess I was really bad with most customers, but at least I know that it was (hopefully) mainly because of having social anxiety.

It may sound like another weird thing to explain to someone without SA or who hasn’t heard of SA but it does just feel like having your mind completely washed. Even one time I remember talking with a colleague about something that I was extremely knowledgeable on – and this was someone I was quite comfortable talking with, but when they asked me a very very easy question about something my mind went and I couldn’t answer. Its a very strange, uncomfortable feeing, and very frustrating when you know its something that is so simple and yet you seem so struggle so much under pressure. I would hate to see myself on a program like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! I wouldn’t even be able to answer the questions that I did know!

Trouble Making Eye Contact

2009-01-29T14:22:00.001-08:00

This is a bit of a random post today but I just thought I’d write a little about my own experiences regarding eye contact – or lack of it. I just seem to struggle making eye contact for long periods of time with most people. I mean, I can look at people directly in their eye but if they are talking for a long time then I start to struggle a little.

It may sound quite strange to read this if you don’t have social anxiety disorder – eye contact is just one of the many things I guess you do naturally, without having to think about it too much. You just do it as an instinct whereas I think lots of people with SA seem to struggle with most kinds of eye contact.

I remember years ago at a parents evening at school, I was having a talk with one of my teachers and later my mum said how that I should really try to maintain eye contact more often. I knew that I struggled with it – I just sometimes find it awkward because it feels as if I’m staring at them, which is something which I don’t want to do – and so I look away at times. I’m aware that I do it, but I just find it hard to keep eye contact without worrying that I’m staring or acting strangely. Its quite a hard feeling to explain, but I think if you suffer from social anxiety disorder then its probably just one of many things that you relate to.

Anyway I had a good day today, did some work from home and then went out to help a friend with some outdoors work. Very cold but nice to get out and about, earned a little money from it too. I really love working outside, I think thats partly why I’m unhappy with working from home doing what I do currently. I love being more involved with nature, and not just using a computer, which seems to be completely at the opposite end of the scales when compared with outdoors work!

More About Me And Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-01-28T15:35:00.001-08:00

Just thought I’d give a bit more information about me and about Social Anxiety Disorder in this, the second (proper) post of my blog.

When I found out about SA, I kind of felt a bit relieved that it was actually a condition. I mean, it is curable and it wasn’t just something that I felt I had imagined – the feelings that I have are actually real, and they are caused by SA (which is something that is caused by me, I guess, due to my thoughts and thinkings).

One of the things that I’ve come to realise is that the majority of people I know with SA seem to be unable to pinpoint a moment in their life when they felt that they were suddenly struck with a sudden shyness, or with SA. I think its just one of those things that develops and some people can manage to shake it off whilst others seem unable to do so, and seem to get progressively worse. I myself can’t think of a time where I felt I suddenly turned extremely shy, or unhappy, but I think that generally I was happy and not so self-conscious when I was around 13 years old. I don’t think anything inparticular brought it on, I think I’m just a quite naturally shy person in general, and that SA has kind of developed from my shyness.

Anyway, today I just did some work (I am self-employed and work from home, which is very handy for me, considering my SA) and watched some TV, not very exciting I know. I have had “normal” jobs before, but quit a few and was laid off another time which was out of my hands really. After I was laid off I started to work from home on my computer, and this is still what I do today. I know of some SA people who feel they can’t go out and get a job, so I feel lucky that I can do what I do. I do realise that its all too easy to get into a kind of comfort zone though, so I try to push myself to go out more and not just work all the time, which would suit my SA.

Hopefully I’ll start uploading some links to some more useful SA resources that I’ve found recently, such as getting over social anxiety books and websites :)

Me and my social anxiety blog

2009-01-26T15:53:00.001-08:00

Thanks for taking a look at my blog, hopefully you will find it interesting or helpful, maybe at times entertaining although I doubt it :-p

I’ll try and explain a bit about me and my social anxiety disorder, and the reason that I’ve set up this blog.

I was watching a TV program on BBC1 called Horizon – How Mad Are You? It was basically a kind of “big-brother” but with some people who have a mental illness and some “normal” people. The people in the TV show would have to perform tasks, and there would be 3 experienced psychologists who would watch the footage and try and decide which ones showed signs of mental illness and which ones seemed to not show any signs of being mentally ill.

Anyway in one of these tasks the people had to one-at-a-time stand up in front of a small group of strangers in a pub and perform stand-up comedy for about 10 minutes. It was said that this task was to establish if any of the people showed signs of social anxiety disorder. The people that had SAD might show signs of extreme nervousness and might really dread the performance. I kind of knew that it was very likely that this was something I had, after they went into a bit more detail about social anxiety disorder (disliking talking in front of people, feeling very self-conscious, etc).

I went on to a few websites to do a little research and found some interesting and useful sites, one of which is a forum which many people who suffer from SAD currently use. It’s really nice to be able to talk to people who suffer from the same thing, and its quite re-assuring to hear stories of other people who have social anxiety disorder. It makes me feel less silly, if that makes sense. The forum can be located here: Social Anxiety Discussion

I decided that it might be good for me to create a blog about my dealings with social anxiety disorder, and just generally about my life. Not because I think of myself as an interesting or glamour-seeking person, but I just feel that it might help to keep a kind of diary and it might be helpful to fellow SAD sufferers :)

Social Anxiety Disorder

2009-01-26T03:18:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the first post of my blog all about social anxiety disorder.