Thursday 19 March 2009

Social Anxiety Disorder Blog - Update

Sorry about the poor blog title, not really in a very intelligent mood and am unable to think what to write about really, so this is just an update for the past few days. Apologies again for the lack of activity on the blog too, I guess the blog could be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder too ;)

The reason I’ve not really posted much is simply that I’ve been a bit busy. Either with football, work, and seeing my girlfriend :) Have spent quite a few evenings with her and I usually only update the blog in the evening so its hard to find time to post. I find it hard updating the blog during the day because I find it hard to get in the right mood to post – at night time I can just go on my laptop in bed and am in a more comfortable and relaxed setting.

I don’t really have too much else to report, Social Anxiety related anyway. It was my birthday a few days ago and I didn’t really do anything to celebrate, don’t see why I should bother going out with my friends because I never go out with them so I don’t see why it should make a difference just because its my birthday.

I’ve been out places a few times recently but nothing major, most the time when I see my girlfriend she comes here which is fine by me and she’s fine with it too but hopefully I’ll be able to go more places with her now, and I’ll have some motivation to actually go somewhere – I might drive to meet her somewhere when usually I wouldn’t have had a reason to go to that place, or anyplace either, and so I probably wouldn’t have bothered/would have been scared to.

Will hopefully start posting more often and some more interesting news on the blog soon!

Tuesday 10 March 2009

Another Update In My Rather Uninteresting Social Anxiety Blog!

Not done much again recently just the usual! Drove to a local cinema place which was nice, usually I’m a bit scared as its about 15 mins by car and I went a route I’ve never really been before so it felt nice, usually I get really anxious about driving somewhere I’ve never been before so it felt as if I was conquering my social anxiety disorder somewhat :) I met up with a friend and had a bit of a chat which was nice, was a different way to spend the evening at least (usually sat in front of the TV or the computer!).

Yesterday I had football and because one of my friends wasn’t playing I couldn’t really rely on a lift, so I drove instead. I could’ve tried to get a lift from another friend or something, but I thought I should give it a go and it was fine, no embarrassing moments… well, there was one lol but thankfully the car park was pretty empty – I pulled up in a space in the middle of the car park, forgetting it was kind of on a slight hill, and thought I had done everything (lights off, wipers off, etc) and was having a drink from my water bottle and something caught my eye which startled me very slightly… the car was rolling down hill lol. Thankfully there were no cars around to crash into, and I’m pretty sure no-one saw so I was quite lucky lol. Its sometimes funny though, as in my mind thats one of the things I can imagine happening to me when I go somewhere (and hundreds of people witnessing it, and me going a very bright red colour and wishing I could crawl under a rock and die) yet when it did happen I can just laugh it off :) Sometimes I think people with Social Anxiety Disorder think about things way too much and worry when actually when stuff like that does happen it can be pretty funny, and a nice little story to tell people :) (granted, mine wasn’t that funny or interesting but still).

At football we lost pretty bad but we were playing a team from the league above and we were a man short. I got fouled and now my leg and hip is really painful which is quite annoying. Today I’ve just been doing some work on the computer and not a lot else. Still desperate to go away travelling but seeming to find it hard to find someone as interested as me. I’m thinking that maybe I should try and find someone who has social anxiety disorder who might be interested in doing it with me – maybe they will be more likely to do it, and might agree that its a way out of their shyness.

Thursday 5 March 2009

Is It Better To Have Lived And Lost Then To Have Never Lived At All?

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, not really been in the mood to write on the blog. That’s not to say that I’ve been feeling down or anything, just sometimes find I need to be in the right frame of mind to write anything on here, I guess its a combination of that and being lazy :p

Haven’t done toooo much recently, played football in some kind of freak weather storm the other day, was completely soaked through but I kind of don’t mind being out and doing stuff when the weather is a bit mental. Kind of makes me feel like people aren’t as interested in you, they are more busy trying to avoid the rain or something. It was the same when it was snowing as well, found that people were generally more happy and relaxed when the snow was around. Yesterday I went to a friends house which was nice, even though he only really asked me other because he had trouble with his Internet and knows I’m a bit of a geek! I couldn’t fix it but was nice to get out and stuff. Was annoying because was hoping to drive (don’t really drive much so is good when I do, both for my confidence and for the car lol) but it had a flat battery again (due to my neglect no doubt) and so had to walk. Usually I’d be quite annoyed if I felt someone was using me, but in this case I wasn’t too fussed because he’s invited me over before lots and I usually don’t bother as I find I get a bit bored. That’s not me being rude at all though, I think its my own fault that I get bored – I don’t tend to talk much and so it does get boring just sitting around watching TV. I think if I didn’t have my social anxiety disorder then I would have enjoyed being around my friends more and they would probably enjoy my company more. Today was quite a busy day although I was in the most of it – I was doing some mushroom work which ended up taking hours and also I did my weekly exercise routine :)

I’ve still got an itch to get away and go travelling, I don’t think its ever going to go away until I’ve actually been and done it. I’m pretty sure it could get rid of my social anxiety disorder due to making me more confident and independent. I hope I’m not going on about it too much or dreaming something that’s never going to happen. Or I hope that I don’t end up going and just being a bit of a recluse in a different country! Anyway I know its better to have no regrets so its something I know I will do. The only thing that is holding me back right now is someone to go with. I know people do go alone and they recommend it, but I just don’t think I can on my own. I want to find someone to go with me, not a friend but someone else who wants to travel. That’s what I’m trying to do at the moment, when I’ve found someone to go with then I’ll be ready! This was kind of what my blog title was about btw – is it better to have lived and lost then to have never lived at all… I was just thinking how I could live like I currently do and live until I’m 80 or whatever and have a not so enjoyable life, or I could live an amazing outgoing life and be hit by a bus crossing the road and die when I’m 30. I’m just thinking how its better to have lived a happy and exciting life then to have worried about things so much and never really found happiness. Will update the blog a bit sooner next time hopefully!

Monday 2 March 2009

Its My Life And I’ll Waste It If I Want To?

The thing with social anxiety disorder and I’m sure that most suffers are aware of this too, is that I fully realise that I’m wasting my life and I’m really not making the most of it when I know I should be. It makes me feel really guilty as well when I know of other people who have had their life cut short for some reason which is completely out of their hands, perhaps a tragic accident or an illness or something like that. It makes me feel guilty for not making the most of my time alive, and in a sad way makes me wonder why it happens to the people that it does happen. I mean, not being too negative or don’t mean to sound suicidal at all, but if an outgoing and loving young man was to die suddenly it just makes me feel a bit ashamed when I’m the complete opposite and I’m still here :(

When things like that happen I thought they are meant to spur you on, meant to scare you into living your life more and changing your ways… but I’ve never really been motivated to get out and do something from an outside event – I guess what I mean is, I know that for me to make changes it has to come from inside myself, a desire to break out from my shyness and start living my life again.

Recently I’ve been looking into travelling again and I’m certain its something I will be doing its just a matter of when. I’m fed up of just saying I’ll go travelling to try and make my social anxiety disappear, force myself out of my comfort zone and try and make myself realise that I can cope doing something really social and away from my current lifestyle.

I’m still looking for someone to come with me but I don’t think this is just the social anxiety coming through, I think I would generally be a bit scared going travelling completely on my own. At least I won’t be going with someone I know anyway (I’m hoping to find a travel companion on the Internet) and then it will be easier for me.

I’ve not been up to much recently which is annoying, didn’t really go out much over the weekend, just to walk the dog as usual. I watched the football on TV and that was about it, would have liked to have done more outside things but never really had the chance. I would have played football tonight but I think our team wasn’t scheduled to play for some reason, so have to wait another week. I was kind of relieved as usual because I get so anxious before playing (although I usually do enjoy it mildly when playing and enjoy it when I get home because the ordeal is over!).

Spent a little bit of time doing some gardening today as it was very sunny out, and did a little bit of work outside on the laptop, love the sunny weather makes me feel so much happier and reminds me of summertime. Makes me forget my social anxiety disorder and just want to go to the beach or something :)